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The Dropping of the Bomb
2004-09-22, 1:33 p.m.

Day 31 Thirty reasons to leave your lover (NOT!)

Warning!! Much (very) bitching, whining & moaning to follow. You've been warned.

Well, the first real big test of my non-smoking resolve has arrived. Found out Monday that I have to go out and pick up youngest, E, from school. They have a "Fall Break" - no classes 9/23 & 9/24, making for a nice little 4 day weekend. Last time I smoked was driving back from dropping E off at school just over a month ago. He also has no idea that I've quit. It will be a nice surprise for him, but I'l wait till he notices the lack of smoking. Round trip will be a ~4 hour drive, 98.5% expressway (it's true, I did the math) Good test of my resolve.

But that's not the big revelation.

Wiff dropped a bomb last night. While drunk (again), she said she wanted to try living apart for a while, and I should make plans to go stay at my Mom's. This opened up an evening of unadulterated shit, starting at or around 8:30 (took her a while to round up into form I guess).

I basically stood my ground. Told her I wasn't going anywhere. She insisted I go to my mom's, as her dad lives in Fla, and she has no place to go. I told her I wasn't going anywhere. After a few rounds of this nonsense, we started to delve into the reasons she's feeling cold & lifeless. She asked me if I could name the 3 reasons she feels like this. My response:

For number 1 - We communicate horribly which leads to neither of us getting what we need or want. The lack of communication leads to animosity & grudges which leads to more bad communications.

She said ok - whats number 2? (I was on a roll. I had this shit down. Knew where I was headed and how to get there)

My response - respect. Her response - Nope. Thats not it. (I shit you not - those are her exact words) She added that she doubted that I could ever name the other 2 reasons.

So I asked her - what are the other 2? How can I work on something if I don't know what's broken? (I know what's really broken, but it's going to be a real job to lead her into it So much for having a plan, like I thought earlier). After 5 minutes of back & forth consisting mostly of "why should I tell you?" she mentioned that her number 2 reason was based on respect. At which point I mentioned that I had already brought that up as reason #2 not 5 minutes prior - which she denied. It is just so fun arguing with a drunk. They have no memory of what anybody says. She can't remember the points I'm bringing up, she can't remember the points she's making, so she keeps making the same one and nothing goes anywhere.

She also mentioned things like I never suggest we go anywhere - like local arts & crafts shows, festivals, escape weekends, concerts, musicals, plays, and we never have sex anymore.

I will freely admit the lack of going places. 8 years of running kids to hockey events will seriously limit creativity. Kinda got used to looking up what rink we were headed to on any given weekend. Wife only went to the rinks that had bars, unless it was for a game. Hmmmm. We were also on a rather tight budget then (and now). I pay the bills, set aside some for groceries and that's pretty much it. If we go to an arts & crafts show, she's going to want to buy something, plus there's admission fees to many of them - ditto for the festivals. Concerts, musicals, plays - tickets cost money.

Of course, my bowling, golf, hunting & softball cost money too, and I can always find room for that. But you know, I never spend a dime on any of that without her prior knowledge & approval. She complains that she doesn't do anything like that - no hunting, no sports, no classes, no activities with friends. It's not because I've EVER said no. It's because she never took the initiative & asked. Never. But it's my fault.

The sex? I gave up. After being constantly turned down and rejected at every turn, I figured enough's enough. If she wants sex, she can initiate things. Doesn't help that my wife & I are both overweight. Me a bit, her a lot of bits. She has some serious body image issues and those really hammer any drive she might have for sex. She's admitted that to me before. Of course, she was drunk and probably doesn't remember it.

Not too long ago I was looking around for a Bed & Breakfast to spend a weekend at - maybe take in some winery tours in the Finger Lakes or head to Toronto and catch a musical. Wife said she didn't want to spend the money on something like that when we had bills to pay.

Of course, I also mentioned that maybe she could lay off the drinking for a month or so and see if that brings about some changes. Maybe we'd head out to dinner with some friends if she wasn't already rip roaring drunk when I got home. Maybe we'd have money to hit up the Grape Festival if it wasn't all spent on whiskey ($55 a week if you count the ginger ale, plus another $25 or so on cigarettes). Maybe we'd have sex every now & then if you didn't pass out drunk 5 out of 7 nights. Maybe the reason none of your diets work is because alcohol has calories that you seem to think don't count towards your points, or what ever system your on. I figured it out once - considering the choice of booze & ginger ale and the glass size, she's sucking down 500+ calories per drink. She has no less than 3 a night, as many as 5 on the weekends. Allow for 3 sober (or hungover) days per week, that comes out to ~14 of those drinks a week. 7000 excess calories. Wonder why diets don't work?

Maybe we could communicate better if she could remember what I told her, or even remember what she's told me. Maybe I'd even respect her a little more or consider taking her out if she weren't drunk all the time. She has done colossally embarassing things numerous times - all due to being drunk and trying to pass herself off as sober. She's fallen on more hockey bleachers - a couple real bad wipe outs, some just a little sit back down & reset. Just the other night she wiped out in the garage. I mentioned it here. She's sporting some mighty fine bruises from that one. I've had to drag her out of hockey rink bars, her pleading to have just one more beer - after I've shown her how empty my wallet is. (Damn ATM's don't help either.) Been at restaurants for dinner, she can't even order because she can't talk straight. Sometimes, she can't even read the menu.

But drinking is not the problem. Nope. Not according to her.

Now, if there's any girls, women, ladies, wives, girlfriends still reading this - is there any question as to why I'm a little confused & pissed off?

She also accused me of having an internet girlfriend. Why else would I spend so much time on the computer? Well, I don't have an internet girlfriend, I don't have a flesh & blood girlfriend, I've never even cheated, period. My one claim to fame. 23+ years and commited nothing worse than innocent flirtation. That's going real far.

Of course, after accusing me of having a girlfriend, she also said I had her permission to have one, or go get one. It'll be a cold day in hell before I fall into that trap. So any of you girls, women, ladies, wives, girlfriends still reading this are out of luck, at least for a while. Actually, it'll be a cold day in hell before I fall into any trap she tries to set.

Last night ended up in a draw. I didn't leave, but she slept in the guest room. Come morning - I got up at 6:30, went downstairs, made coffee, got the paper, read the sports a bit, then headed back upstairs to shave & shower around 6:50. Get in the bedroom and the wiff is in bed. Ours. Normally she's in the shower by now. I figure she can use the main bath is she's itching to shower - that's where she tells me to go when she's running late. I finish my morning rituals, head out of the bathroom @7:15 - she's now sitting up in bed (sorta) and the bed is made. I grab my wallet, pens, keys and head downstairs. Out the door at 7:20. I have no clue if she made it to work, on time or not. I've sent 2 emails off in her direction first about a company sponsored web site that offers self help for relationship repair amongst other things, second that I'll be late leaving work to get E - had a meeting pop up late, will delay my departure by 30 minutes or so. - no response to either. Big surprise there. She's off in her "two year old pouty mode"

I am really looking forward to this evening. At least I have E to myself for a couple of hours before we get home. I can prep him a bit. He hates her drinking as much as I do and just turns right off to her if he thinks she's been drinking. He's pretty good at picking up on it too.

Saturday, Z will also be stopping home, we had plans to to a little smoking (of the cooking variety) with everybody home. I have no clue how that's going to work out. We'll just have to wait & see.

31 days down - 23 years gone to waste?

Oh - I checked my email thing - seems kinda busted. If anyone is interested, you can email me at

y2l447 AT yahoo DOT com. I'll assume you all know how to make that info work. Some suggestions on what to do next wouldn't hurt. Thanks. Thanks for letting me unload too.


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