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Searching for Clarity
2007-06-07, 1:11 p.m.

Day 1019
Broke down and called my sponsor this morning. Didnít get to talk to him directly, but left him a message so he at least knows I need to get slapped upside my head.

Talked to Zach last night, heís got dinner under control for tonight (easy Ė meat loaf, taters, corn), provided he gets out of work at a reasonable hour. I may drift off with the group tonight and go to their usual post meeting hang out. Probably get more out of that than the meeting itself.

Cindyís bitterness of late is reaching epic proportions. She went through my attachť case last night after a little (heh, little. Her frustration was plainly visible) blow up. I wonder what she was looking for? Wonder if she found it? I desperately want to know what she thought about what she found. First, there is absolutely no incriminating evidence to be found in there. Second, thereís nothing to incriminate me for. The only things she can find in there point the finger at her. There are books that declare Iím living with a person with an alcohol problem. Every time I leave the house to go to a meeting (like Tuesday evenings) Iím shouting to her that she has a problem she doesnít want to face and that I canít (and wonít try to) fix for her.

I need to sit her butt down and ask her why she went through my attachť case. I need to ask her what she thought about what she found. She needs to know Iím the group rep for one of my meeting groups and itíll be taking one more night a month. She needs to know that the alcohol is the problem and itís hers to deal with. We need to figure out a way to co-exist, with or without her drinking. I need to sit her down and discuss, in civil terms, just what the fuck the boundaries are. The time is never right to do that though. Now, at least, we wonít see each other till after tonightís meeting. Maybe I can get some sense of direction from my sponsor. I need to balance my need to hash this all out with my need to keep detached from wanting to fix her. At least I didnít launch into it last night while we were both frustrated and on edge. That would have been really fun. If sheís receptive, tonight might be the time for the two of us to go disappear and work out some boundary issues.

Workout this morning sucked. Period. No energy. I know why too. I want to get this cleared up before Saturday. I donít want this shit hanging over my head for Sundayís ride. Itís not going to keep me from doing it, but it might harsh the buzz a bit. Endorphins can only go so far ya know.

The pond. Oh, the pond. Talk about clarity! Last Friday I put in about 1.5 oz of this algaecide. It said I could repeat the dose in 3 days if needed. Well, by Monday there was clearly an improvement in the algae concentration. I let things be. Last night (Wednesday) we had no trouble making out individual stones on the very bottom of the pond. Itís also a lot easier to see all the fish. They canít go hide under a cloud of algae 3 feet deep anymore.

Now the chemical algaecide seems to have the little beasties under enough control that the barley pellets can maintain clarity for the remainder of the summer. I may add some chemical assistance once a week or so, but wow, what an improvement. Things look so much better now I might have to go get a vacuum unit to clean up the gunk on the bottom. All those dead algae cells have left quite a coating of goo.

Veggie garden is coming along nicely too. Weíre going to be buried under a mountain of squash this year. Beans too, if we can keep the local rabbits from helping themselves to the plants. The garden is fenced with rabbit wire, but the gates have some rather large gaps. Probably ought to get some chicken wire to cover up the gaps. Thatís a much nicer idea than shooting the little fellers with the pellet rifle Ė although rabbit stew with fresh veggies isnít a horrible idea for a meal.

Speaking of varmints Ė no sign of woodchucks in the last month or so. There was one hanging around, heíd even opened a new hole under the back of the shed. But between peppering him with pellets in attempts to get him to run through the trapped opening and finally succeeding in plugging up the new access hole in the back, I think heís either dead or given up.

I gotta try and concentrate on work. Got too much to do and not enough interest in it to want to do it. Maybe I can find a reading or two on eliminating distractions . . .


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