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Awash in a Sea of Indecision
2007-10-11, 4:18 p.m.

Day 1145

Wow. That title sounds all melodramatic and angsty. What am I, a teenager again?

I feel compelled to answer some comments.

Randomly.

First, thanks for the well wishes and kind thoughts.

Second, I brought this on myself (duh!) and as such, do not expect pity or want everybody to feel sorry for me. I was in a rough situation that got “accelerated”. By my choice.

Third, I really, really don’t want the kids involved. They’re likely to take this way more personally than they should. It isn’t their fault, there’s nothing they can do to fix it. Cindy may be dragging them in as a defensive maneuver.

Fourth – what a lovely therapy session Wednesday. It was free for me, because Annette was having a co-pay free day as a way of saying thanks for hanging in there while her insurance applications moved through the states insurance approval process (like a snake digesting a mouse – takes weeks at least).

What did she have to say of recent events?

You got busted. Boo hoo. Knew it was coming.

Told her about Cindy handing over all her cards. Showed her the letter. She called BS on both. It’s Cindy’s way of passing the responsibility on to me and taking on none of it herself. (I kinda felt that, but it’s good to hear it coming from someone else) It’s also a way for her to appear to “need” me to take care of her. Maybe I won’t leave if it looks like I’m desperately needed. Screw that. I don’t need a 40 something child to tend. I want someone with a little (lot) more independence.

Tried to make an appointment for Cindy to come in & see her to start couples therapy. Annette wouldn’t do it. Said Cindy had to take ownership and do it herself. I told Annette that I provided her with the necessary information and told her to make the call initially, but she came back and asked me to do it. I was only trying to get the appointment to get the process moving – to try and drive to a resolution.

So, Cindy got an email Wednesday afternoon saying she had to make the call. Her initial response was something to the effect that I apparently didn’t want to go through with it. My own response was that the therapist wanted to see her alone first, get her version, THEN we’d go in together.

Found out this morning that Cindy did in fact make the call to get an appointment. Unfortunately, her appt. isn’t till the 24th. Two weeks away still. I’ll see Annette once before then for sure, maybe twice. Wonder if I can pull some strings and get that appointment moved up? She’s past the first hurdle and made the call. Now there’s actually making it to the appointment. Sooner.

Sad little story. Cindy & I were talking about what goes on at her AA meetings and what kind of people were there. She related histories of people with multiple DUI’s, lost jobs, lost spouses, bankruptcies, multiple jail visits and rehab sessions. She looked at them and thought, “Boy, these people are really messed up. None of that has happened to me!” Well, now she’s being threatened with the loss of a spouse, and you know what? Now she’s not so different from those messed up people.

No gym this morning. Lazy day. Have bowling tonight and this will be the first time this bowling season I haven’t gotten in some kind of morning workout first. Maybe the bowling will be better.

Slept lousy again last night too. Didn’t help that with Eric & Kelly at the house, I got relegated from the ‘new’ guest room to the ‘old’ guest room. I heard Cindy tell Kelly something about going up to check out the “new guest room where you’ll be sleeping”. Figured something had to be re-arranged, but wasn’t sure just what – till then. For furniture, the old guest room had a caned chair, a waste basket and nothing else. Oh – it did have that suitcase that I packed Saturday night arranged neatly on the floor – but not by me either. Guess Cindy felt it necessary to ‘help’. Thanks heavens for the Aerobed – at least I didn’t have to sleep on the floor or a couch.

All this crap is making me wonder how serious she is about wanting things to work out:

Finally calls for the therapy appointment after being practically forced to.

Won’t take time off work to do it, so settles for a convenient time 2 weeks away.

Tries to pawn off the responsibility of keeping her from drinking to me via giving up all her debit/credit/cash access cards.

Wants to talk to the kids with out me present (specifically set it up that way) for what purpose? My infidelity they already know about, her alcoholism they know about, her attending AA they are aware of. Unless she’s doing some step 5, 8 or 9 thing (admitting wrongs to another human being, making a list of persons harmed, and making amends to those people) she may be trying to build a case against me – somehow get the boys to side with her. For what, I don’t know. I’m not sure they will either.

Insisting I sleep in another bed/room

She doesn’t seem to be putting up any kind of fight. There is no discernable effort on her part to try and appear better than ‘the other woman’

Unless someone else is around, I am still invisible for the most part.

She has yet to insist that I stop seeing Ms. CL. Maybe she assumed that once things were dragged out into the open I’d stop seeing her.

Her continuing to make plans for re-doing the (former) family room, what’s happening to the not-veggie garden next year, dreaming about a first floor laundry. This is an indication that she is content to putt along with the status quo. Well, up until she busted me for going out and having actual fun with a person of the opposite gender.

Then she says “well, I can’t just change over night you know” (think I’ve been here before). So I’m supposed to wait what, 10 or 5 or even 2 years for her to get her shit together?

NO.

Not when I can turn around and fall into a good relationship with another person that I already see eye to eye with (physically as well as socially). It is impossible to think I have to wait however long for things to get better when I know I can have better tonight.

Speaking of tonight, I gotta go bowl. Just told Circe I should have Zach video a few bowling shots some day, then I can post them to Youtube and y’all can see what pin crushing is really like. It’s got potential. AS long as Zach doesn’t start hating me tonight that is.

Gotta go.


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old habits - new tricks