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Nothing
2007-08-16, 4:44 p.m.

Day 1089

That sums up anniversary #26. Nothing. Neither of us made any type of effort to acknowledge the occasion. Perhaps Cindy had something tucked away, hoping to get something from me first? Seems unlikely.

She spent the early part of the evening at the gym, leaving the house before I even got home. I did call her earlier in the day with dinner ideas. Had 2 ideas – meatloaf or meatballs. Never got a call back on which way she wanted to go. Instead, after getting home from picking up the van at the dealers, I find a pot of sauce on the stove, complete with meatballs. Cindy wasn’t around, but it was rumored that she was off to the gym.

Figured she’d do the gym then hit up an AA meeting like she has the last 2 Wednesdays. But no, along about 7:30ish, while the kids & I are eating dinner, she rolls in the driveway. Guess that meant she wasn’t going to a meeting. Of course, I have no freaking idea because she can’t bring herself to communicate with me.

What a lovely evening we spent. It’s getting pretty absurd. I’m getting the impression each of us is waiting for the other to say “Fuck it, I’m outta here.” We’re playing chicken with a relationship.

That little exchange of printed documents Cindy & I did over the weekend? That same one I had Zach & Jill read? Eric has read it now too. Don’t know about his girlfriend, she’s not quite as close to the inner circle as Jill is, but she’s pretty up on the situation, I’m sure. At least Eric is now fully up to speed on the situation.

Anniversary worries over. What will be, will be. I’ve talked to my sponsor some about this kind of stuff. He’s been through it all once and is a good resource in that department.

Took Eric into work early again this morning. This is like 4 Thursday’s in a row he’s gone in at 5:30. Works out great because it gets me to the gym plenty early. Had a very nice run this morning too. Almost like the old days (April & May) when I could run 7:30 miles forever. Very weird set of data I have too. Every Thursday when I run (6 of the last 7 weeks, 9 of 11) I seem to run pretty good 5k’s (3.1 miles). Tuesdays? Struggle to hit even 2.5 miles. This is odd because I often take pity on myself and don’t do spin class on Mondays, giving my legs a break. They pay me back by crapping out on Tuesday. Wednesday’s spin class I rarely miss (pedaling with Patty), but my whupped upon legs seem to respond just fine the next day.

In that vein – I will certainly not miss tomorrow mornings spin class with Gary the Sadistic Bastard. Reason? I’m in the 5K Run for Lupus in beautiful downtown Scottsville, NY on Saturday. Since running good 5k’s seems to be dependant on killing my legs in a spin class the day before, I’ll have to ask Gary to do an extra special good job Friday. Sadistic bastard that he is, he’ll probably enjoy the challenge. (In real life, Gary is a spokesperson for our City’s Mayor. Cool guy for a cool job.) (Not MY city, I don’t actually live inside the city limits, but you know what I mean, right?)

After the race, I get to head home and start loading up the van. I should roll in around 10am. Zach & Jill should be back from signing their lease around 11 – after that it’s nothing but hauling couches, beds, dressers, computers, bookshelves – all the things we can unload on them to populate their apartment. Jill’s folks will be up to help, so we’ll hopefully be making short work of the actual moving part. That will leave time to help with some unpacking & furniture wrassling. The plan is (was?) to have Cindy do up a big pot of chili for dinner. The guys would take care of the heavy lifting, the girls would do the unpacking and direct the arranging. That’s how everyone’s moves go, right? Guys grunt, girls organize. When everything is done, out comes the beer & chili.

Best part of all of this? We get our basement & garage back. Funny how I still say we. Well, I guess we are still living there, at least for now, so why not?

Ah, I remember what else I was going to add. I called the joint in Syracuse where the Al Anon fall Assembly is being held and added Friday night to my reservations. They were more than willing to have me stay another night (wonder why?) I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to the trip. It offers a chance for 48 hours of not worrying about how Cindy is interpreting everything I say & do. I can take along Zach’s older laptop and make use of the hotels wifi, maybe even add a post while I’m there, as long as it doesn’t interfere with surfing for Kate Beckinsale pics.

Ahhhhh crapola. This just in. Got an email from Cindy about dinner. Called her at home to double check, and she actually tried to be playful on the phone. Nothing serious – just faking she was an answering machine. I played along. Why not? She was almost civil for the whole phone call – all of 90 seconds. Why the jerking around? Day upon day of pretending I don’t exist, then a moment of normalcy? Did she read an enlightening passage in an AA tract? Is her menopause taking a break? Has she had a few drinks and gotten ‘happy’? Did she not recognize my cell number on the caller ID?

I should quit asking questions and attempt to accept it. Except when you get your mind all turned to thinking you’re done, then you‘re offered this teeny little sliver of hope – ugh. Jerking around. I crave a normal relationship with a normal person, what ever those two things are.

Expectation vs. hope. Expectation is figuring things will turn out precisely how you desire because you’re in there stirring the pot. Hope is looking forward to some sort of acceptable result, in spite of your own lack of direct involvement in the proceedings. Trusting that things will turn out ok. Not necessarily exactly how you want, but in a way you can accept. I need to work on and remember this.

Meeting time. Better go.


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old habits - new tricks