Wow! Been that long?
2008-08-25, 5:07 p.m.

Day 1464

Holy crap! It�s been what, 5 days since I last posted any drivel here? Terrible, terrible, terrible. Not like there�s been nothing going on � as a matter of fact, I�ve been busier than a one legged man in an . . . ahhhhh � you all know the line.

Anyhow. In the interim I managed to completely miss a couple of anniversaries. The first one was at 7pm Friday, August 22nd. That marked precisely 4 years since my last cigarette. I have to admit, I feel so much better being free of that nasty habit. Also, in figuring average prices, there�s almost $7500 not spent over the last 4 years.

The other anniversary is sorta related to the not smoking one. Oops, I just looked. Haven�t missed that one yet, but I will mention that Aug. 30 will be the 4th anniversary of this here journal. Good lord. 4 years of whining about not smoking, dieting, working out, biking and certain spousal drinking habits. That�s a whole lotta shit.

Made tons f progress on the pond. Between Zach & Jill helping Saturday and just slogging through it myself Sunday, we have maybe � of the pond perimeter lined with stone. There�s still the stream & waterfalls to build up, but that may wait till later, we�ll see. If the permitting process for the deck (more like a back porch) goes smoothly, I may be switching projects for a bit.

I do have more pictures, just haven�t reformatted them for use here yet. That�ll probably happen tonight while my body recuperates. I also want to stop at the gates of hell and pick up 6 or 8 cheap �feeder� goldfish. I�m trying to get the proper bacteria established in the new pond, but they need some nitrogen to munch on. Fish pee is a great source of that. But there�s no point in risking the older, bigger, prettier fish just to grow some bacteria. The water may not be 100% kosher for the fancier guys yet, so there would be some danger of them not surviving the move. Instead, we�ll �rescue� some of the goldfish bowl style fish from wally world and use them as canaries. If they make it a week, we�ll start moving the big boys over. Can�t wait to see how big they�ll get in their new home. Oh � and for the record? This pond is a lovely wading pool. I spent plenty of time in it this weekend. Ought to be a great place to cool off next summer � fish, plants & all.

Q � to answer your question about just pouring everything out. I�ve done that. A couple times. Know what happens? More shows up. It�s hidden in a different spot and gets consumed in even tighter secrecy than before. This addiction, the compulsion to just drink & drink & drink is strong. The addict (sounds drastic, but that�s exactly what they are) will go to great lengths to maintain a supply of their drug of choice.

It took me a long time to cut back on how often I go looking for her stash. Now I no longer actively search it out, but I do occasionally run into some. It�s really a waste of time & energy trying to find it. It comes down to Cindy finally accepting that ANY drinking on her part is tempting fate. She still believes she can handle (control) her drinking. I consistently tell her that any drinking on her part makes me fear that she�s headed right back to where she was (we were) last year. She was drunk 6 nights a week and I was out getting the attention (and other stuff) I wasn�t getting at home. Damn near wrecked us. Until then, I don�t think she was willing to admit she had a problem. After that big scare and almost losing something valuable to her, she�s at least regularly attending AA. Don�t know what it�s going to take to get her actually start working the program. She might need another scare � but I can�t provide it by going out and fucking around some more. I didn�t really like me when I did that.

So. Pouring out the booze? Doesn�t actually work in the long run. Most all of the Al Anon veterans have shared that they went through a �pour it all out� phase too � almost always to no avail.

It�s not unlike quitting smoking. I�d quit maybe 10 or 12 times � but always because Cindy said �we�re quitting�. I�d usually cave after a day or two and we�d both be back at it. Then, one day 4 years ago something clicked and I wanted to quit for me. That made all the difference. I took the classes, learned the tools, lined up the support and Yahtzee!! It worked out fantastically. I�m just waiting for Cindy to get there with her drinking.

In the mean time, I do still enjoy a nice cold beer at the end of the day occasionally. Like this weekend, after wrestling all those freakin� rocks. I�d pour myself a beer to take upstairs with me to sip while I changed clothes/showered/wound down for the day. But since I only drink like 2 beers a week, I fell justified in getting snobby about what I�ll drink.

That�s also what really pisses me off when Cindy runs out of her hooch and swipes some of my beers. I pitched a fit a couple of weeks ago about �where the hell has all my feckin beer gone!?!� at about 120 decibels to no one in particular. When I got out of the shower 15 minutes later? Fresh 6 pack of Saranac�s Adirondack Trail mix was in the garage fridge. Wonder how that got there?

Time to peddle home. Better post this and get to work on those pond pics.

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