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Post Post Mortem
2008-12-15, 11:29 p.m.

Day 1576

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Didja hear that? No, not that Talking Heads tune you have playing in the background. It’s the accumulated sounds of all the words Cindy directed at me in the 18 hours after the “boundary setting session”.

Awesome, huh?

During the day Thursday we learned that she’d left envelopes on the kitchen counter for us and they’d be available after bowling (7pm). She added that she’d be home around 8.

We read her response – along with a little preamble to the actual letter. I guess we were supposed to read it keeping in mind that she initially wrote her thoughts wanting us to consider how it felt to be her and have this kind of stuff thrown at you. So I guess some of what she put in her response was supposed to be like her throwing our boundaries & consequences back in our collective face.

Even being told that, I didn’t see that in her response.

She said she was sorry people were/are hurt. She never meant to hurt anybody, yada, yada, yada. . .

Ok swell, she’s sorry. Know what was missing? Any admission that there’s a problem, any commitment to get help, any resolve to make sure none of this happen again.

She asked if I had any questions or response to her letter. I told her I needed some time to digest it, maybe read it a few more times. Friday we sat and I asked her – what are you going to do? Will you be resuming counseling? Couples, solo, either, both? Got no real answer.

Asked her about Zach upcoming wedding reception (less than 6 months!!). He asked her to not drink at the reception. Her response to that was along the lines of “if you can’t accept that I might have a glass or two of wine at your reception, maybe I shouldn’t attend”

That is either a limp dick threat or a sorry admission that she values her next drink more than her son’s wedding. I was REALLY confused by that comment and asked her about it directly, a la “You’d rather miss your son’s wedding reception rather than be there and not drink?” She also made some lame ass threats about what she’d do if we (collectively, all three of us) got drunk at the reception. Basically that she’d fore us to suffer the same consequences that we laid out for her. (They were, in no particular order: Prevent her from driving drunk, call the local cops if she DOES drive drunk, call the AD if she tries to chaperone a school event while under the influence, and hold to the bare minimum on communication - while being polite - when she tries to engage us in discussions or arguments while she’s drunk.) My response to that? It’s a wedding. It’s my son’s wedding to boot. I have a hotel room on site. I’m probably going to drink a bit too much while partying my ass off. But I don’t turn into a slobbering, stumbling, crying mess after I’ve had a beer or 5. (Unofficially, Cindy has a proven track record of crashing at weddings. On the dance floor. The kids witnessed it once when they were 12 or so. There’s no wonder why Zach is scared senseless.)

Now that an entire weekend has passed, here’s the skinny.

Looks like plans for AA are cranking up. She’s been having more than the usual contact with her fellow AA members. Maybe something will rub off. There is still 10 tons of crap to wade through. To be fair, we each have our own piles. To be honest, Cindy’s is bigger. To be realistic, I am unconvinced as to her commitment. She’s all to willing to put the blame on me. In one of the few sessions we had with Annette, poor Annette was stunned at how Cindy was able to either blame everything on me or just find fault with anything & everything I had done. I just shrugged it off, considering it normal. Annette was horrified. Now I’m sensitized to it and I see it all the time. Ugh.

Progress on the rooms!! Family room has gone from still raw walls on Friday to having two coats of finish paint on it as of Monday night. Need to second coat the laundry then get flying on the trim. This weekend the flooring goes in, then I get to finish the base trim. Then all that’s left if the fireplace. But the room will be useable, finally. I might even beat the porch guys. Pictures coming soon, once the furniture is in place. You won’t believe the color.


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old habits - new tricks