Progress? That'd be a "NO!!"
2005-04-11, 1:00 p.m.
Day 231 Lack of progress
Well, I had started to write this before the weekend, but got derailed a wee bit. None the less, the title need not change. So hereís where I left off Friday:
Indirectly, going on vacation next week kept me from getting to that meeting last night. In order to leave with a clear conscience, I really need to have a couple of test fixtures running and have some code de-bugged & run able for while Iím out. One of the fixtures crapped out late yesterday. Itís back up & running now, but not without messing up my plans.
Thereís another meeting tonight, close to home, but itís so difficult to manufacture a reason to be gone for a couple of hours on a Friday evening.
In some notes that have been bouncing around, I went and wrote that this whole thing may come down to a decision between honoring my wedding vows (the ďÖin sickness and in healthÖĒ part) and helping a person I love, or ridding myself of a relationship that has become poison to me. While I believe that this is a possibility, I am in no way pushing for this to come to an either/or situation.
A couple of years ago, maybe a little more, I was aware that maybe C was drinking too much, but then, so was I. Actually, C has been on a serious binge ever since her mother passed away almost 2 years ago. Not every day, but 4 out of 5, or 5 out of 7. Very rare that she doesnít drink 2 days in a row. When she drinks, she never stops until she canít walk straight.
As many of you are aware (maybe even all 3 of you), I finally quit smoking last August 22 (229 days ago). It hasnít been anywhereís the nightmare I thought it would be. Mostly because it was my decision to quit, under my terms. Before quitting smoking, I had already cut back on my drinking. More of a lack of interest than anything else. Plus, it seemed to make me want to sleep more than anything else. Then, with quitting smoking, it became more important to me to also eliminate drinking because I always associated one with the other. I was looking at drinking as a trigger to smoking. Since I was dead set against smoking, I had to eliminate as many triggers as possible. Bye-bye booze.
Now that youíre all jumping up & down shouting ďooh, ooh Ė you said it, you said itĒ, yes, I did. I quit smoking and drastically reduced my drinking because it was my choice, under my terms. Thatís what itís going to take for C to change her behavior. A conscious decision to change. And I will support that decision when it comes. Whatís really hacking me off is that I canít make it happen. There are no buttons I can push to speed up this realization on her part.
I can mouth the words, but I donít know that I believe them yet. Thatís why I need to get myself to an Al Anon meeting or 3. Alison has also suggested attending open AA meetings for a wider perspective Ė or at least a look at the other side. Everybody is preaching patience, and not trying to force the issue. Understand the problem, maybe eliminate any enabling behaviors on my part, learn some coping strategies, and basically hang on for the ride. For a while, at least.
I can do all these things. I will do all these things. As long as the YMCA near me keeps opening itís doors at 5:30 so I can go run a few miles and lift a few ton of iron, I can keep doing these things. And Iíll tell you what Ė I will be one in shape dude by the time this is all settled.
Speaking of which Ė a little update on that front (what a segue!)
Date BP Weight
1/13 150/85 265.0 (the start)
2/21 136/86 252.5
3/3 127/83 251.0
3/14 125/86 246.5
3/21 121/82 243.5
3/28 123/84 242
4/8 117/77 240.25
In the last month Iíve also gone from 34:30 for a 5K down to 31:00. Now I really canít wait for my next doctors appt and next fitness evaluation. Really jazzed about the blood pressure too. Last time I had anything that low I was really, really sick and even in the hospital. If I remember right, most of my pre-surgery readings were in that neighborhood. Too bad I was half out of it on what ever happy pills they give you.
So Ė good progress on the physical front. At least thereís less of me to worry about. Making progress on the mental front Ė with some help from some wise folks here in D-land. Pretty soon, all this will come together and I wonít have anything to whine about. What then?
Picking back up on Monday Ė
My weight is actually down a little more from what I wrote the 8th. Under 240 for the first time in better than 10 years probably. Had a couple of nice hard runs over the weekend too. Got our bedroom all painted and put back together. Got zippo outside work done, but at least the inside of the house is back in order.
C also had another rough couple of nights over the weekend. Well, both Friday & Sunday. She is also starting to pick up on how irritated I get when she is/has been drinking, although I donít think sheís made the leap that itís her drinking Iím upset with, not just her in general. Of course, she may not be able to separate the two herself Ė to her, drinking IS her.
Bad part now is I donít think thereís a realistic chance of getting to either an AA or Al Anon meeting before we leave for Florida. That means 2 weeks till I get to start any sort of healing process for either of us. Two weeks is a drop in the bucket in the long run, but from right here, right now, it seems like too long to wait.
Maybe the trip to Florida will provide a break itself. I can not imagine C behaving the same way in front of her dad. Well, she sort of does at our house when heís up for the summer, but I donít think sheís anywhere near as bad at his house. Although I havenít been with her the last 2 times she was down there. Hmmmm. At the very least, we wonít have our own car down there, and her access to booze will be severely limited. If she does manage to find a way to self medicate, Iíll still know. And that will just be more evidence, all to confirm what I already fear. Should all that come to pass, it will make getting my ass to a meeting mandatory, even if I have to tell C precisely what Iím doing. Which is maybe what she needs to hear anyhow.
This may be the last update before I head south for a couple of weeks. Iíll have to let yíall know how things turn out, hmmmmm?
Oh yeah Ė still not smoking through all this monkey business.
231 days down. Soís my cholesterol.
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