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The blow up
2006-04-07, 10:00 a.m.

Day 593 Well, this is fun

Big blow up last night. Over a missing ATM receipt. She ended up cutting up all her cards – ATM, shoppers club, credit cards – everything but her library card I think. Threatening to cut up mine. She spent the wee hours of the morning going over the classifieds looking for a place to live. Don’t think she’ll actually move out – she’s made these threats before. Always fueled by alcohol – like last night.

Funny. Several times, years ago, she said she could always quit smoking. Every time we tried, I always caved in first and we both ended up smoking again. She then laid the blame of her not quitting on me – because I caved in, it made it impossible for her to quit. Back then, we both drank considerably too. This would be from the 80’s all the way through the early 2000’s. (Got to give her due credit though, both times she was pregnant, no smoking or drinking at all. Really did good there.)

Fast forward to August of ’04. I took a class on how to quit smoking, sponsored by my employer. Armed with tools from the first two sessions, I set a quit date. Had two more sessions after my quit date, then support phone calls for the next month. Avoiding triggers and having a supply techniques available to combat craves, I basically haven’t looked back. One of my triggers was drinking. Anyone who smokes & drinks understands the link between the two. Very strong ties there. Consequently, as I was trying to beat down the nicotine craves, alcohol intake also needed to be cut. Now I still enjoy a beer, but I get to be a snob about it. I don’t go out and just pound the Labatt Blues anymore. I just have a nice micro-brewed black & tan, or a Scottish amber, maybe 2 or 3 a month.

Cindy still pounds anything with alcohol in it. Loves her Canadian whiskey. When that’s gone, she consumes what ever wine we’ve been trying to collect. If there’s no wine – she’ll do Corona’s & lime till the cows stumble home. Smoking like a chimney the whole time. Just what I want to kiss goodnight. An ashtray that smells like a brewery. Yum.

Last night she claimed that she drinks to get attention. Um, honey – it ain’t working. I’d kinda think that she’d notice that the more she drank, the less I’d want to have anything to do with her. Of course, she’s also in denial about just how much she actually drinks, and how she’ll drink on an empty stomach to enhance the effects – then break down and have a toasted bagel with peanut butter for dinner at about 9:30.

Ah well. I could go on. I have before, so I won’t now. I can’t make her quit her bad behavior. She’ll have to figure out how to do that on her own. Anything I do to try and change her will just build resentment. She’ll have to bottom out, realize it, then pull herself up by the bootstraps. Perhaps this is on her path towards rock bottom, I don’t know. Don’t know if I’ll be around when she gets there. If I am, I can help her back up. If I’m not, I may come back and try to help her. Hard to just turn your back on someone you’ve invested nearly 30 years in.

There’s a dear Diarylander that I read regularly that has gone through/is still going through the rebuilding process. I am in awe of her progress. Her story gives me hope. She’s also been a great source of advice (thanks bunches Alison!!) I hope, hope, hope that Cindy can do the kind of turn around that Alison has done – and I’d like to be there to help her and see her enjoy the success. Just don’t know how this will all play out.

Oh yeah. Got work to do too. Going to get buried. 2 new projects with major firmware re-writes. I will be mumbling VHDL code in my sleep. Probably get to spend months of 10 and 12 hour days while in the debug process. I SO need to be going through all this domestic shit right now. I need to go think. Maybe even about work.

Wonder if she’s told the kids anything yet. That would be a good indicator of severity. Suppose I’ll find out soon enough.

Updated stats:

Weight start: 206.5 on 1/1/06 (265.0 on 1/15/05)
Current weight 197.75 on 4/7/06 (Who knows what the scale is doing. I just took a sneak peek before tomorrows official weigh in. This is the lowest I’ve weighed since sometime in the early 80’s {yes, I was 4 years old then [wink, wink, nudge, nudge]})
Target: 180 by 7/1/06 (looking harder & harder to hit)
Next “official” weigh in: 4/8/06

The Keep on Truckin goal: (idea stolen shamelessly from Marn’s Big Adventure)
Miles at speed 4/7/06: 260.12
Miles with cooldown: 286.92
Target for 2006: 1000 miles

Might have to add a little something for the 5K training too.

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old habits - new tricks