The blow up
2006-04-07, 10:00 a.m.

Day 593 Well, this is fun

Big blow up last night. Over a missing ATM receipt. She ended up cutting up all her cards � ATM, shoppers club, credit cards � everything but her library card I think. Threatening to cut up mine. She spent the wee hours of the morning going over the classifieds looking for a place to live. Don�t think she�ll actually move out � she�s made these threats before. Always fueled by alcohol � like last night.

Funny. Several times, years ago, she said she could always quit smoking. Every time we tried, I always caved in first and we both ended up smoking again. She then laid the blame of her not quitting on me � because I caved in, it made it impossible for her to quit. Back then, we both drank considerably too. This would be from the 80�s all the way through the early 2000�s. (Got to give her due credit though, both times she was pregnant, no smoking or drinking at all. Really did good there.)

Fast forward to August of �04. I took a class on how to quit smoking, sponsored by my employer. Armed with tools from the first two sessions, I set a quit date. Had two more sessions after my quit date, then support phone calls for the next month. Avoiding triggers and having a supply techniques available to combat craves, I basically haven�t looked back. One of my triggers was drinking. Anyone who smokes & drinks understands the link between the two. Very strong ties there. Consequently, as I was trying to beat down the nicotine craves, alcohol intake also needed to be cut. Now I still enjoy a beer, but I get to be a snob about it. I don�t go out and just pound the Labatt Blues anymore. I just have a nice micro-brewed black & tan, or a Scottish amber, maybe 2 or 3 a month.

Cindy still pounds anything with alcohol in it. Loves her Canadian whiskey. When that�s gone, she consumes what ever wine we�ve been trying to collect. If there�s no wine � she�ll do Corona�s & lime till the cows stumble home. Smoking like a chimney the whole time. Just what I want to kiss goodnight. An ashtray that smells like a brewery. Yum.

Last night she claimed that she drinks to get attention. Um, honey � it ain�t working. I�d kinda think that she�d notice that the more she drank, the less I�d want to have anything to do with her. Of course, she�s also in denial about just how much she actually drinks, and how she�ll drink on an empty stomach to enhance the effects � then break down and have a toasted bagel with peanut butter for dinner at about 9:30.

Ah well. I could go on. I have before, so I won�t now. I can�t make her quit her bad behavior. She�ll have to figure out how to do that on her own. Anything I do to try and change her will just build resentment. She�ll have to bottom out, realize it, then pull herself up by the bootstraps. Perhaps this is on her path towards rock bottom, I don�t know. Don�t know if I�ll be around when she gets there. If I am, I can help her back up. If I�m not, I may come back and try to help her. Hard to just turn your back on someone you�ve invested nearly 30 years in.

There�s a dear Diarylander that I read regularly that has gone through/is still going through the rebuilding process. I am in awe of her progress. Her story gives me hope. She�s also been a great source of advice (thanks bunches Alison!!) I hope, hope, hope that Cindy can do the kind of turn around that Alison has done � and I�d like to be there to help her and see her enjoy the success. Just don�t know how this will all play out.

Oh yeah. Got work to do too. Going to get buried. 2 new projects with major firmware re-writes. I will be mumbling VHDL code in my sleep. Probably get to spend months of 10 and 12 hour days while in the debug process. I SO need to be going through all this domestic shit right now. I need to go think. Maybe even about work.

Wonder if she�s told the kids anything yet. That would be a good indicator of severity. Suppose I�ll find out soon enough.

Updated stats:

Weight start: 206.5 on 1/1/06 (265.0 on 1/15/05)
Current weight 197.75 on 4/7/06 (Who knows what the scale is doing. I just took a sneak peek before tomorrows official weigh in. This is the lowest I�ve weighed since sometime in the early 80�s {yes, I was 4 years old then [wink, wink, nudge, nudge]})
Target: 180 by 7/1/06 (looking harder & harder to hit)
Next �official� weigh in: 4/8/06

The Keep on Truckin goal: (idea stolen shamelessly from Marn�s Big Adventure)
Miles at speed 4/7/06: 260.12
Miles with cooldown: 286.92
Target for 2006: 1000 miles

Might have to add a little something for the 5K training too.

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