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2006-10-06, 2:52 p.m.

Day 774 Always Dangerous
Day 775 Better Late Than Never?

Been thinking again, always a dangerous proposition. Look at yesterdays idea to catch a speeding spud in my baseball glove! That is going to happen. Just have to arrange the details. And get to the drug store and buy up some Aquanet Ė the propellant of choice for all serious tater gunners. Oh Ė and Pam. The cooking spray. Gotta lube that barrel. Adds distance. (Heh, lube the shaft to make the shot longer. Dirty, filthy mind.)


Ahem. I was thinking. Actually this has been proposed to me by one or more people and Iíve been mulling it over, poking at it, exploring different facets. Now I have it all well worn and smoothed out. Fits better into the nooks and crannies of my mind.

Idea is that perhaps Cindy is a little jealous of my recent successes at quitting smoking and losing weight. Maybe even worried that now that I donít have a severe case of Dunlops disease (where ones belly done lops over ones belt Ė learned that from an army buddy from Bells, Tx. many years ago), or look like I have a goiter, maybe sheís worried that Iím more attractive to opposing females?

Just thinking that makes me feel vain. Heck, Iím a middle aged guy, the hairs that arenít falling out are turning gray, kind of shy, so-so looks, having a hard time imagining myself attracting much attention from the fairer sex. Friends Ė sure. Beyond that? Not likely. At least Iím not actively on the prowl. Maybe if I actually applied myself to the issue something might happen, but would I want to have a fling with the type of person that would have a fling with a married person? I donít know. Millions of people do. Donít know that I can.

On the other hand Ė thereís whatís going through Cindyís mind. Admittedly, her logic sometimes eludes me. But I have to try and put myself in her shoes. Sheís a middle aged woman, been through two full term pregnancies, could stand to lose a fair amount of weight and has the added bonus of thinking that I despise her because of her drinking. (I might, but thatís my problem to work on). Sheís never been a self confident person and has needed a little ego boosting more often than most people. She is also way too willing to accept blame for things she is in no way responsible for. On top of that, she is constantly accusing me of thinking that Iím never wrong. Trust me, I prove that Iím fallible quite frequently. I screw up plenty. I donít know where she gets the idea that I think Iím never wrong, unless itís Ė hmmm. Got an idea on that one. Something to work on.

Back to what ever point I was making. Ah. Combine all that stuff up there and it means I need to work on how I present myself to Cindy. I have to start behaving in a way that demonstrates my confidence in her, stop nitpicking, maybe spontaneously do something nice (flower arrangement to work, flowers at home, little compliments here & there?) more often (daily wouldnít hurt Ė new to do list item). Bottom line is that these are things I can do to try to improve things. I must go at this earnestly for some undetermined amount of time. If things donít improve after, I donít know, 6 months, a year? Ė I might have to start considering other options.

But Iím not giving up the gym. Do you realize how much frustration you can vent doing a few sets of 400lb leg presses? Lots. Anything left after that is pretty much burned out by the leg extensions & curls. If it happens to be an upper body day, the chest press can be a very humbling exercise Ė then go try and beat up the flyes. Ouch. So besides whipping my muscles into some semblance of Ďshapeí, I get to channel a whole bunch of piss & vinegar out to some hunk of iron that doesnít give a crap. Sweet deal.

On to better things.


Ahem. Not that Iím excited about it or anything.

Also have to go to some fancy schmancy investment bank and basically invest the proceeds of my FILís Florida house sale into some vehicles thatíll be cranking out 9% or so a year. The bank he has them in now (since April actually) has done diddly squat about suggesting better investment options than a measly money market savings account. They apparently enjoy paying Bob something like 1.5% interest on his money while they go and loan it out and collect 15, 18, 21% on some poor schmucks credit card balance. Screw Ďem. Should have seen the bank manager when I told her I would be transferring xxx dinero out of her bank branch. She got real pale and started shaking and sweating a bit. I kinda felt bad for her, because itís not her fault her bank is raping my FILís assets, but hey Ė I donít get to pull crap like that very often. Plus, Iíve NEVER written a check for that kind of moola. I think Iíll be pale, sweating and shaking a bit this afternoon too.

Now I gotta go do some real work. Went and committed myself to delivering a batch of code next week. Yikes! Itís mostly written, but I want to simulate it a few times before I cut it loose. Busy, busy, busy.

So hereís where Day 775 begins

Bowling last night was weird. Could do no wrong the first game, could do no right the last two. Well, it wasnít THAT bad. Only had 2 opens all night, both on splits. 1 in the second game, 1 in the third. Did not hit 200 either game. Couldnít put strikes back to back to save my life. Between trying to adjust, making poor shots, then making good shots only to discover the adjustments were wrong, yeesh! Didnít miss average by much for the night, but it sure felt like a struggle. Whole team suffered too. Only took 2 of 8 possible points. Ouch. Just gave up a little of that ground we fought so hard for.

Cindy is participating in some Light the Night walk for Leukemia tonight. Son #2 (Eric) is home from school on fall break. Called him to let him know that he & I are on our own for dinner tonight because of Mom doing this leukemia walk thing.

First question out of his mouth Ė ďDoes that mean sheís going to be sober tonight?Ē Is it bad when your own kids are sarcastic about the situation? He also admitted to me last night that heís stopped answering his phone after 7:00pm if he notices the call is from Cindy. Zach has done the same thing. So have a favorite aunt and some family friends. Told Cindy about the aunt & family friends dodging her phone calls once (months ago), in an effort to get her out of her denial. Have since learned what a waste of breath that effort was.

Still don't know what we're doing for dinner either.

Alison has generously allowed me to share this entry at the next Al Anon meeting I go to. This was in response to this weeks meeting having compassion come up as a topic for discussion. At next weeks meeting, I plan on working up the gumption to read & share this with the group. My new group. Really think Iím going to fit in with these folks. This one woman could be my new sweetheart, except sheís like 70 and on oxygen for emphysema or something. But her Scottish accent is absolutely entrancing. Love listening to her.

Well, thereís this guy there. Whew. We appeared to be near the same age, so after the meeting, I chatted him up a bit, and it was like a dam burst. Inside of 3 minutes, I knew all the deep dark secrets of his family and how his alcoholic drove him to these meetings. Starting 15 years ago. One of the women there kinda gave me a knowing little smirk, seeming to say Ďgood luck extricating yourself from THIS oneí. Iíll have to stop there, just to respect the anonymity of everybody, but be sure Iíll be giving friendly Freddie (certainly not his real name) plenty of elbow room next time. The things you learn . . .

Short for today. Work beckons. Only 6 more days till bowling again!!

Updated stats:

Weight start: 206.5 on 1/1/06 (265.0 on 1/15/05)
Current weight: 186 on 10/2/06 (?!? Stalled again)
Next weigh in: 10/9/06

New target Ė Aim is 180, by Halloween. Getting tougher all the time

The Keep on Truckin goal: (idea stolen shamelessly from Marnís Big Adventure)
Miles at speed 10/6/06: 795.02 (on target so far)
Miles with cool down: 868.56
Target for 2006: 1000 miles
Plus 161 miles biking so far. (160.99 for you choosy mothers)

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old habits - new tricks