Altering Habits

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What a Question!
2007-01-24, 3:58 p.m.

Day 885a

Earlier post from Wednesday already in. Hit the back button (old habits) if’n you like.

Had a question posed a question about a rendezvous I had with another journaller last year. Turns out it’s a decent topic for a post. If I can figure out how to broach the subject without stomping on any toes.

I won’t mention names or aliases. We finally met last spring, after exchanging all the usual holy cow, you’re so close emails. She lived very near where one of my sons was going to school. Time to bring the kid home from school. Need an actual moving van. Made arrangements to meet my son out at his place, stay overnight, then do the move the next day, starting bright & early.

Well, Ms. Journaller and I arranged to meet outside a grocery store that night. I told my son I was headed out to meet an Al Anon friend, to discuss getting my head together. He was fine with that. Complete trust. Ms. Journaller and I at some point agreed to a platonic relationship – in part because of my worrying about what my son would think if he knew I was having a late night rendezvous with another woman. That he met earlier, by the way. It's in the journal. Back in May of '06.

Anyhow. We met at the grocery store. She was a tiny thing, 5’2” ish, very trim, in good shape, but really gave giant hugs. Auburn hair. Light on the perfume & makeup. We got over the initial awkwardness quickly and started shooting the breeze right there in the parking lot. Decided on having beers rather than coffee, so I followed her to a tavern not too far away. We went in, grabbed seats and proceeded to talk away the next 4 hours. Felt like it took 30 minutes. Bar tender had to kick us out. Think we only had 3 beers apiece. I might have had 4. wasn't tired in the least.

We talked about everything. What we were doing with our journals (blogs) How life was. All about our kids. All about our spouses. Ms. Journaller suspected her husband was getting a little action on the side during his weekly business trips. Mentioned that considering her husband already was, she wouldn’t feel terribly guilty straying herself, although she hadn’t as yet. We agreed that Cindy was also cheating on me, but using booze as her lover instead of another person. (Interesting point.) I hiked up my pants leg (it was May, still not shorts weather around here, at least at night) and showed her my shark bite (check the archives for an entry titled “sharkbite”, or “my sharkbite” or some such thing), she hiked up her blouse and showed me her belly. Yum. Right then & there, I felt like grabbing her and planting a big old kiss, right on her belly. But we were in a public place, so I really had to restrain myself. She meant to be complaining about what having 4 kids can do to ruin ones belly. I had to admit – her 4 did less damage than, well, lets leave it at that. Anyways, I felt invited to take the bait, as it were.

The whole evening we were very close. Music was loud, so our heads were always close in order to hear each other. Lots of hand on arm contact, knees & legs touching frequently. Compared upper arm triceps sag. I won, and I was 10 years older!! Less sag won, not more! Actually she had very little for a gal. Being a guy just gave me an unfair advantage. I think in that one night I had more intentional contact with her than I’d had with Cindy in the previous month total.

Then there was the good bye in the parking lot. Quite the hug. Left me wanting to plant a little peck on her cheek, then check her reaction, but I missed the opportunity. Then I thought we had a chance to re-grip and have another hug. I wanted to just grab her and just, well, ya know? Lust was in the air. Instead, I opened her car door for her and let her get seated. We ended up parting ways on the parkway, waving, her headed home, me headed for my son’s apartment.

Got to the apartment around 3:00am. Didn’t really sleep the whole night. Kept wondering ‘what if?’ Got up at 8 to go get the moving van. Spent an uneventful day loading up an apartment and driving the hundred miles back home where a crew was waiting to help unload. I was gassed. No sleep will do that to you.

I emailed Ms. Journaller the next day, thanking her for a fantastic night out. I also mentioned how the night felt ‘unfinished’ when we parted in the parking lot. She responded that she was considering an offer of breakfast, but took pity on my needing to move an entire apartment the next day. It’s probably a good thing she didn’t mention breakfast that night. It could have led to one of us being disappointed after being spurned, or, (better) eating things not on the breakfast menu at Denny’s.

We kept up contact for a few months, talked on the phone once or twice. Tried to put together plans for another rendezvous. Then she disappeared from the blogging world. Her journal is still there, but hasn’t been updated in months. She doesn’t answer emails, and I’m not comfortable calling her cell phone now. I just don’t know what’s happening in her world these days.

I’ve never been the best at reading those subliminal signals people send. Especially women. Even as a kid (or young man), I generally had to be clubbed over the head and dragged off by the girl. Deathly afraid of making the first move. Even when I was assured by third parties there was mutual interest. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

I probably ought to include that this all happened something like 10 - 12 days after Cindy’s little meltdown on May 8th or 9th, so emotionally, I wasn’t in the best of shape. Saying I was confused about things might be kind. Hadn’t really embraced Al Anon at that point. Didn’t know what detachment was, even.

Ms Journaller offered a chance to unwind and let loose a little after that. Oh, she was aware of what happened – as were all 3 of my loyal readers at the time. But, out of respect to her, and our spouses, I have to admit that even though the opportunity may have been juuuuuussst around the corner, belts stayed buckled, zippers stayed up, clasps remained done, lips yearned but never touched. We were good boys & girls. But I still wonder “what if?”

The way things are going? I’m closer to finding out.

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