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So Whoís the Monkey Now?
2007-02-02, 2:18 p.m.

Day 894

I should probably start getting used to this. Like the monkey's in the cage from yesterdays entry. Pretty soon I'll be having knee jerk reactions to silly things for no known reason.

Didnít do the flower thing last night. Call me skeptical, but I had a sneaking suspicion that there was going to be a slip showing last night, and Iím not referring to the garment.

So, yeah, left to her own devices for a couple of hours, she lapsed after 6 days. Whatís worse is that not only did she polish off what was left from last week, she got a fresh bottle. In a premeditated fashion. Sheís taken to buying her hooch with cash so thereís no debit card receipts to track. But the acquisition of cash requires the use of the debit card anyhow. Now, itís not a guarantee that any cash taken out will be used for booze, but when I see receipts for lunches, gas, ginger ale (duh!), reading glasses, cigarettes - you name it, but none from a liquor store? Where do YOU think the cash is going? Rhetorical question, donít bother to answer.

Feel like I've been through this before. Is it Groundhog Day or something?

Circe commented yesterday about her own experiences with these lapses. About how the anger and grief one felt during the relapses were so devastating. Now, Iím not at the point Circe was. Yet. Our spouses (speece?) chose different poisons, but the mechanics of addiction are pretty much the same. Iím not up to the grief or devastation level, but anger and disappointment are certainly emotions that ran through me last night. Frustration too.

I just want to lay down and bash my head against the desk for a few hours. Nothing serious, only until the desk cracks. It would give me the same headache Cindy does, but at least Iíd know how to stop this one.


Bowling was a struggle again last night. Wish I knew what they did to the lanes. Just canít get my ball to react with any consistency. Gets frustrating. Gave up trying to be all smooth and calculating and velocity controlled about half way through the second game. Moved outside and just started smoking them into the pocket. Sorta cuts down on the margin of error, but itís an easier shot if youíre not sweating the timing & release Ė youíre just ďdoing itĒ without thinking. Kinda like sex. When youíre not fretting about it and just doing what your body wants to do, itís really good. As soon as you start having to think about it, youíre gonna screw it up. Or not. Maybe not a good choice of words in that metaphor, eh? Not like I remember any of that anyhow. I should probably apply to get my virgin card re-instated. Is there a time limit on that?

Got to spinning early this morning for a change. Man, that instructor Gary is one sadistic puppy. Climb up the hill, sprint down the hill. Cruise on the flats, sprint on the flats. Up the hill again, out of the saddle and dig hard, then get low (still out of the saddle) and sprint UP the hill. Make it to the top of the hill? Sprint down again. Repeat that 15 minute segment 3 more times, then youíre allowed to cool down. Someplace in the middle we did these relay things. Guys would hill climb while the girls sprinted. Go at it for 30 seconds or so, then weíd switch resistance and jobs. Guys would sprint while the girls climbed. Did at least 5 minutes of that. That was our ďbreakĒ. Geeze, thanks Gary. But I do like his classes. Did weights on the Nautilus gear after. A week off helped the left elbow a wee bit, but itís still a little cranky on the triceps machine. Feels fine on the ab cruncher, but I forgot to decrease the weight after taking a week off. So now the cruncher doesnít bother my elbow (good thing) but my abs are screaming (probably also a good thing).

Hold on, gotta go again.

Man. Went through about a quart of water in spinning. Refilled and did almost another quart on the nautilus. Grabbed a cup of coffee as I left the gym and have had 3 more cups of decaf since. Guess where Iíve spent a good portion of the morning? Ever catch yourself trying to hold off on that first one for as long as you can? Because you know that once you break the seal, youíre going to be trotting off to the can every 30 minutes. That empty bladder seems to be a signal to the kidneys to go into overdrive for an extended period. At least itís making for a lot of walking. That still counts as exercise, right?

Zach & Jill are off to my brothers for a little resume re-writing session tonight. My SIL has access to HRWorks folks, and as such is a fine resource for tweaking the resume. Theyíve invited the kids over for pizza & beers, AFTER the resume part. I advised Zach to take at least a 6 pack of some Pale Ale (one of my brothers faveís) or a bottle of Pinot something (his aunties favorite grape I think) along with his laptop and a willingness to work a bit.

That leaves Cindy & I to our own devices. I was suggesting dinner & a movie. She wants to hit the gym. I think those are compatible goals. We just have to get it worked out. Iím debating bringing up last night as a topic for discussion tonight. Might nuke the whole dinner & a movie concept, but itís something that needs discussing. Yes, a bridge that needs burning. I could go all passive aggressive on her and be totally wasted when she gets home from the gym, give her a little of her own medicine. But thatís not a very productive or mature way of handling things. I also hate the thought of the hangover tomorrow morning. Iím willing to bet she would choose to ignore the point being made too.

Maybe I should go read up on slips or lapses and see if thereís any suggested plans of attack. Oh. That sounds all wrong. How about seeing if thereís any suggested coping mechanisms for the non-addicted person? Other than whiny, passive aggressive control tactics that wonít work anyhow.

I suppose that for as long as an addict lives, thereís always a threat of a relapse. Whether theyíre clean for a week, a month or even years, thereís always that possibility that something will snap and the whole recovery will come crashing down like a house of cards. For them, thatís their forever. Some days, it doesnít appear any better from their partners point of view either.

Oh yeah, the groundhog. No shadow. That means spring in 6 weeks. If he had seen his shadow? Spring in a month and a half. But they must mean down south. I'll bet in 6 weeks we'll still be getting snow up here.

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old habits - new tricks