Altering Habits

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Now I Know Why
2007-03-27, 2:24 p.m.

Day 947

Bit of an odd evening we had last night. I was on the hook for dinner again. No news there. Decided to use up some ham from a couple of weeks ago and did up a batch of scalloped taters. Tried a recipe I dug up on the web (of course). The sauce included carrots, celery, green onions & cheese. How bad can you go with that?

Zach helped out with the dinner prep, made the salad, etc. Zach made mention of the fact that Cindy left for the gym and he found no evidence of liquor in the house. Seems heís up on all the hiding spots too. He did hear the ice dispenser rattling, figured it was Cindy getting ice for her water bottle. He though it odd that he heard no water running afterwards though.

Ya know, I could stretch this out for another three or four paragraphs, but I can get to the point immediately by just saying that Cindy once again was enjoying a rather large cocktail while putting in her time on the treadmill, at the YMCA. As Circe puts it, WUI (walking under the influence). Her latest secret stash place? The back seat of her car, on the floor, under a sweatshirt.

I know Iím supposed to detach from this. I know I shouldnít be counting every drink, keeping an eye on her stash, or looking for it even. These are all signs Iím not making any progress beyond realizing things are messed up. But how desperate can you get? Hiding an open (unsealed) container in your car?

Earlier in the evening I thought I was going to be able to let this one slide. I saw the Ďathleticí water bottle, with some amber liquid in it, hidden behind a chair leg on the front porch. I got a whiff of her breath while we were getting dinner on the table. I could tell by her actions & mannerisms that she was feeling it a bit. Didnít seem too bad. I thought I could let it go. But then, closing up the house for the night, I noticed the garage lights were still on. Went out to turn them off, noticed the water bottle in Cindyís car. Then I noticed the pile of stuff on the rear floor boards. Should have stopped there. Never should have flipped the lid on the water bottle & sniffed. I already knew what Iíd find. Never should have felt under that sweat shirt.

Havenít said anything. She doesnít know that I know. I need to keep it like that. I wish I didnít know. Ignorance would be so sweet right about now.

Tonight, she has a baby shower to go to after work. Now, I can see her stopping at a convenience store after the shower, getting a cold bottle of ginger ale & mixing up a bomb of a drink and heading to the gym for more treadmill work. Or maybe lap swimming. Thatís scheduled tonight from 5 till 7:30 or so. She can do her swimming, have her cocktail and still be home in time for dinner, drunk, at 7pm.

Regardless, I am leaving the house at 7:30. Zach knows. Heís already helping out with dinner tonight (Chicken Caesar salads using some smoked chicken breasts I did a while back. I love having a big smoker and a bigger freezer) Thursday I will go to that other meeting group, and ask my intended if heíll take me on as a sponsee. Iím hoping the fact that Iím the only male that regularly attends the Tuesday group helps sway him. We live a fair distance apart I think (20-ish miles, thatís a lot here in NY), which might present some issues with getting together face to face, but isnít that why we invented cell phones? Heís also about 10 years my junior, but heís been through both AA and Al Anon, has a good grasp of the program, and I respect him for what heís done and where he is now. He also sponsors a couple of other folks. I think itís just fear of rejection that may be holding me back. Plus, I hate to ask over the phone. In person just seems more appropriate.

Thursday. A Thursday without bowling. How will I ever go on? Happily, probably.

Speaking of phone, Circe is really busting through her phone shyness. Had a nice chat with her this morning, straightening out some algebra issues. I screwed up a question on that dang sample test. Thatís two of them now. Itís shows great progress on her part that sheís catching my goofs. I just need to stop making them. Sheís got some other good news, but it isnít mine to share Ė so I wonít. But it does relieve me of a little angst & worry I was building up. It also robs me of the opportunity to make the two plus day drive to deliver good dark beer and white hot dogs.

Yes, white hot dogs. A Rochester curiosity. Slightly different blend of meat (more pork I believe) and no red food coloring. Theyíre spiced differently too. They taste distinctly different from the reds we get. If youíre really hankering to try some, stop on by. We always have some on hand in the summer. Or, if traveling isnít in your future, maybe we could work out some arrangements to overnight them with dry ice. Thatíd be cool. Iíd be tempted to drive over just to see what shape they were in when they arrived. Kind of defeats the purpose of shipping them, doesnít it?

Besides making my revolting discoveries last night, I also kinda figured out why I have no energy lately. Seems I may be fighting off a touch of the creeping crud. Thought it was funny yesterday, Iíd send something off to the network printer here at the zoo, hop up out of my chair to go get it and feel light headed and dizzy the whole way to the printer. All 50 feet. One trip, I kinda used a building support post to do just that Ė support me. Then the funky joint aches started, and that whole out of body feeling started to creep in. Like I had a hollow head. Mentioned that to Cindy last night, and she was all, ďWhat are you complaining about? Your heads always been hollow!Ē Yep. 25 years of marriage, and she has fun at my expense while Iím feeling all sick and achy. And cooking dinner to boot. This was also during the part of the evening while I was still fairly ignorant of just how desperate she was getting in maintaining the ties to her addiction. Kinda having fun with each other like we used to do regularly. It still happens, though less often, and now I always suspect itís part of some manipulation. Terrible we canít even enjoy some good natured banter without it being suspicious.

Damnit. Tried to get this thing turned around and look where it ended up, again.
Must be that creeping crud. My left sinuses are swollen, that eye aches, my joints ache and Iím sleepy, in spite of 9 hours of sleep last night. Skipping the gym helps to provide that extra 3 hours.

Should have no problem getting to the gym early tomorrow though. Doubt Cindy will have much to say to me when I get home after the meeting tonight. Iíd better remember to bring my house keys too. Been keeping them in my winter coat, but thereís been no need for that lately Ė itís actually warm again. Gotta remember to get them in my spring jacket before I get locked out.

So, given that I can get right to bed after the meeting, maybe after chatting up the kids for a bit, I ought to be raring to go in cycling in the morning. Legs will be as rested as theyíve been in quite a while. Just hope the crud stays in my head and out of my lungs.

I gotta go finish testing some boards. Been finding some assembly process related problems. Need to resolve those and get the boards ready for the software boys to play with tomorrow.

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