2007-08-01, 2:17 p.m.
Day 1074.5 Ms. Therapist
Had a very interesting first visit. I have 2 homework assignments already. First is to try and assess what I’m angry with and why. (oh, oh, teacher, teacher, I know, I know!! Think Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter)
Once I got all the background material filled in, it took her all of 10 minutes to get to asking if there was an “outside interest”. I suppose this is more of a “d’uh, of course” conclusion on her part. Isolated from the spouse, big gaping hole in the relationship, trying to fill the void of that “something that’s missing”. Real stretch there, huh? She also asked if we’d been intimate – and not according to the Bill Clinton definition. To her intimacy starts at kissing. Oops.
She asked if I still loved my wife. That question was harder to answer than it should have been. My conclusion? I don’t know. When she’s sober for an extended period (48 – 72 hours?) things can be pretty good. They go to hell in a handbasket once she starts drinking though.
Ummmm, what else. Have to start reading a book. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I’ll be stopping by Barnes & Noble tonight, guaranteed.
She had a lot of good things to say about Al Anon, but also pointed out that it’s main purpose is to fix the codependent person, and that can (will) cause isolation of the alcoholic. I had to agree with that assessment too. I see me making incremental changes. Less apt to anger, not responding to getting my buttons pushed, better at maintaining that exterior calm (emphasis on the exterior), but all at the expense of not interacting with Cindy.
She asked how the kids (heh, kids, right) were handling it. I told her they were extremely bothered by it, and really, really liked going back to school in the fall. Also told her that I tried to share some of what I learn in Al Anon as far as dealing with the alcoholic. And I had to agree with her that that only increases the sense of isolation.
Now in part, the isolation is good. It strips away all the outside influences and possibly forces the alcoholic to realize that a – I’m all alone, b – I’m still miserable, and c – I’m all alone and I still drink? WTF is up with that?
I think that’s where Cindy got to last week, however briefly.
Just though of this in response to Gretchen’s comment. Seemed appropriate:
I feel like I'm standing there with a smoking gun thinking, I didn't know it was going to go off! But looking back, I damn sure knew it was loaded. Therapist says I need to decide. I need to stop avoiding the potential confrontation and sit down with Cindy and see if what we had is salvageable. Is she going to commit to getting sober? After that, is she going to commit to working on what’s broken between us? Hard questions, and I don’t have those answers. But it’s information I need to know before I can move one way or the other.
Before I lose my self respect.
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