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2007-08-09, 12:46 p.m.

Day 1082

First – thanks for all the support peoples. It’s not a lot of fun trying to work through this. Your thoughts and comments at least offer some hope & encouragement. Others of you are offering fresh perspectives too. It helps to be able to view things in a different light every now & then. Your own minds eye gets a little jaded and sees only what it wants to see. The change in perspective is at least good, if not refreshing.

It’s scary to think that every next decision could be wrong. Normally I don’t have a problem accepting something as “good enough” (I do NOT, except for loading the dishwasher, coiling hoses & power cords and driving habits.) but this time, for these decisions, there is no “good enough”. But life offers no certainties, so at some point, it’s fish or cut bait. Good thing I like fishing and know how to use a knife.

Last night was just another in a string of what has become typical lately. Cindy is home at 3:30 – 4:00. Makes no effort towards dinner. She does however; make an effort to get to the liquor store. I called home, left a message offering dinner options, wanting to know preferences so I could get the necessities. I heard from at least two of the kids that Cindy stood there and listened to the message. I got no call in response.

She apparently headed for the gym sometime between 4:30 & 5:00. Jill observed her having at least 2 of her giant cocktails, and possibly made a third to put in her gym ‘water bottle’. I don’t know for certain – I don’t need to know. I’m trying to get the kids to not spend so much time counting drinks or hunting down the latest hiding spot. It’s pointless – except that they worry about how drunk she may be when she’s driving. It’s a good point, especially as she has to pick up Eric at work every now & then. I’ve reminded Eric he has the option of either insisting to drive on the way home, or simply refusing to get in the car. He only works a mile from the house, so walking shouldn’t be too terribly traumatic. Plus he did almost 2 miles jogging on the treadmill yesterday. I’m proud of the effort and told him so. For the record – Eric is about 6’2” and probably 320lbs. He’s got a big, big frame, but needs to drop the pounds and is making some progress in modifying his eating habits. Some progress.

Anyhow. So Cindy is out & about, probably drunk, (TUI – Treadmilling Under the Influence – tm Circe) and has left no clues as to her plans for the evening. I shoot for getting dinner on the table in time for her to eat before she might possibly head out to an AA meeting. Of course, that would require her to come home first. Kids & I ate, had a nice dinner. Spent an hour on the patio chatting after the meal. About lots of things. They’re now more up to speed on Bob’s condition and how I plan to handle his estate than Cindy is, simply because they asked. Cleaned up dinner, completely, and Cindy finally rolls in – probably at about the right time for having left the AA meeting that’s just up the road a piece. I wouldn’t know because she never said a word to me the entire evening.

And that’s how it goes. I’ll get a vague answer to a direct question. That’s all. If she wants help with something she’ll ask the kids. If she gets the urge to comment on something, it’s to the kids. The kids are out of the house (2 of them permanently) as of Aug. 23 – then she’ll only have me to talk to or ignore. I’m predicting that things will come to a head soon after. That will also be the second day of my 4th year without a smoke.

A friend in Al Anon told me she had been attending consistently for a year and thought she was doing pretty well. Reading, studying, making progress, never having shed a tear like she’d seen so many other people do as they get started. Then, all of a sudden it hit her. The magnitude of the mess she was (or was in) finally hit her, and she couldn’t get through a meeting with out crying. That was 10+ years ago and she is doing much better now. (If it weren’t for the antiquated gender views of Al Anon, I’d have asked her to be my sponsor, but . . .) The timing of her telling me that story was not an accident I think (why I liked her as a sponsor), as I was about a year into regularly attending when she shared that. Now I’m at 15 – 16 months and you know what? The magnitude of the mess I’m in (or the mess I am) is starting to become clear.

Damn Sam. I have a super question to ask at tomorrow’s counseling (therapy, shrink) session. This inescapable funk I’m mired in – could be grieving. Sure feels similar to how I was after my Dad died. That was easier to identify because, even at the tender age of, uhhhh, what was I, 34?, I knew I’d go through the process after something like that. You work through it, learn to accept what happened, because what the hell were you going to do to change THAT??

This time, I might be starting to grieve the loss of a relationship. Have I already made up my mind? Is it reversible? Who has the statistics that will show me the odds? (once a geek . . .) Yeah – Ann the shrink (thanks for de-pc’ing me on that Alison) might have a question or two coming at her tomorrow. Heh. I’m supposed to be chairing the Al Anon meeting tonight too. Guess what topic I’m going to pull out of my hat? Well. That settles a whole lot of things. We have tonights meeting topic, we have some questions for the shrink, and we have the germ around which a conversation will be built. Not a fun conversation – but it needs doing. Someone besides me needs an answer. Could be a shocker for the kids, depending on how it turns out.

Zach’s already thinking that Cindy probably won’t be sober for his & Jill’s wedding. In May of 2009. It’s sad that he’s thinking that way. I hope he gets a reason to eventually believe otherwise, but I’m not holding my breath.

Eric wanted to get into work early again today, so I dropped him off at around 5:30 and headed straight for the gym (sober) . Actually got in a decent 5K run. Not lightning fast, but satisfying. I guess not every run can be a personal best. Dang it. August’s workout regimen had a rough start what with the reunion and all (and no, that was not a t-shirt Joe!), but it seems to be getting back on track.

Planning a big bike ride this weekend too, Well, if not one big one, at least two shorter (2 hour) ones. Cindy used to hint at re-doing what was the family room, but since she’s adopted her code of silence, I don’t know if she’s still interested. Considering my own latest revelations, I’m not sure how much to push for it either.

Better run. Only snuck home for lunch to do a little banking for the Bob. Better get back and pretend to care.

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