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More Nothing is Still Nothing
2007-09-13, 2:52 p.m.

Day 1117

Reminds me of song lyrics, “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing”. I can hear that phrase in the song & the music but can’t dredge up the title & artist. There’s trumpets and some line that ends “. . . if you wanna be with me.” Sometimes when singing the catch phrase, the singer switches to a falsetto on the word “leaves”. That’s all I have on that. Getting old and losing one’s memory SUCKS. Maybe it’s just a normal thing where you forget something every now & then. I hope.

So this time, Cindy got home too late to launch into any type of real discussion. She’s loosening up a little bit, but that impenetrable layer is lurking just under the surface. Tonight I have bowling (nothing messes with that), then a commitment to show up at a party for someone that’s changing jobs. That little shindig is supposed to start at 5, so maybe it will have run its course by the time bowling wraps up. Considering I’m leaving for Syracuse Friday evening for that Al Anon assembly, I ought to try and get things a little straighter with Cindy before I go. I’m kind of worried that this may turn into a bender weekend for her. Me gone, Cindy left to her own devices for 2 days – I can feel bad thoughts rolling through my head, like how can I set things up to know if she’s been drinking? Should I plan on calling once or twice a day? Should I plan on her calling me once or twice a day? Not sure she’ll think of this, but will she want some photo evidence of where I am and whom I’m with? (Cell phones can be SUCH a leash)

Have a therapy session today too. Could be an interesting one. Cindy is at least starting to show some signs of wanting to “work on things”, but her actions and attitudes still throw me off. She notes a lack of conversation, of talk in general, but to me, she’s the one not speaking. Of course, in my classic avoidance mode, I try to talk about general day to day stuff – how was your day; what are your plans for tonight, tomorrow; have you heard from the kids – that kind of stuff. Things you need/want to know to get through the day. I think for her, she wants to have that meaningful conversation and nothing else. But she won’t come out and start it – even when given the opportunity. To be fair – I haven’t started it either. Silly me has been waiting for her to seem receptive. I’m thinking that’s not gonna happen anytime soon, hence the need to get it out tonight, regardless. It could put a serious damper on spinning with the Sadistic Bastard Friday morning, but I guess that’s the price I’ll have to pay.

So. This morning’s workout. Did a wimpy 20 minutes on the treadmill. I don’t know what it is about running lately, but there seems to be a huge barrier right at the 2.5 mile mark. Just have no desire to run beyond that. Feeling a little let down by the running, I hopped on one of the upright bikes in the cardio theater. Cranked out another 20 minutes doing the “Alpine Pass”. That little routing consists of 3 simulated climbs, or gradual, very significant increases in resistance. The resistance profile looks like 3 mountain peaks. The effective speed is calculated using your pedal rate (rpm), resistance setting, and I guess the pedal stroke length. So while you’re going “uphill” the resistance increases a ton, the speed calculation assumes your still on the flats, just in a much taller gear. While warming up at a lower resistance, I’ll be peddling along at 110 – 120 rpm and have an effective ground speed of 18 – 20 mph. At the peak of the climbs, my pedal rate will slip down to 85 – 90 rpm (the resistance is really high) but the effective ground speed will be 30 – 32mph. Wish I could maintain that on the road for 2 – 3 minute bursts like in the gym. Especially on the flats. Out in the elements, with wind, cars, rough surfaces, I’m lucky to maintain 20 on the flats. Throw in a little up slope and watch the speed drop. 30? Only seen on downhills, and even then only briefly. Get off the hill and onto the flats the speed drops to normal all too soon.

Spastic today, sneaking in a paragraph here, a sentence there. No continuity. Need to wrap some stuff up before I head off to the head shrinker. Wonder where we’ll go today?

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old habits - new tricks