No Billy Preston Today
2007-09-14, 3:51 p.m.

Day 1118

Circe dove in to the way back machine and came up with the artist and lyrics to the �Nothing from Nothing� business yesterday. Turns out it was Billy Preston that is credited with the song. That might be the only song of his I know. Or heard even.

Today�s offal will start out gym centric. For some reason, lots of noteworthy things happened at the gym this morning.

First, due to last night�s festivities, I did not get to the gym in time for spinning with the Sadistic Bastard. For that I am truly sorry. What I did do was hop back on the elliptical trainer rather than the treadmill. Now, I used to have a fairly set routine I could do on the elliptical � so much time, cover a certain distance, and burn off so many corn chips. Specifically, it was 30 minutes, 5.25 miles, 550 calories (I forget how many bags of Frito�s that was.) This morning? Killed me to do 20 minutes at that pace. I�m thinking the cycling (at least the indoor spinning) is limiting my cardio capacity, or at least not really pushing it enough keep it improving. So I�ve got to either push harder on the bike or get more and more varied cardio workouts in order to crank up the endurance again. Maybe aim for a 10K? Maybe latch onto one of the coaches at the Y and pick their brains. It can�t be an age related thing, can it? I mean, I was fine 2 months ago.

Second. Done with my workout. Cleaned up my elliptical. Grabbed a few extra paper towels to mop my brow. Headed downstairs to the locker room. At the bottom of the stairs, there was this younger woman (late 20�s?) who looked to be absolutely frozen in terror. Another gal I recognized from spin classes walked up and made kind of a funny face. I followed their gaze, and saw this largish spider just hanging out on the floor, sort of guarding the bottom step. He was doing a great job at keeping that first woman from moving, that�s for sure. As I got myself down to the main floor, I bent over and scooped up the spider in the paper towel I had, wadded him up and tossed him (her, it?) in the nearest trashcan. All I heard was an �Eeeewww� from one of the women, and a quick comment from one of the staff along the lines of �Whadja get?� The second, slightly older (in her 30�s maybe?) woman gave me a questioning look and I just said, �Getting bugs is the guys job, right?� I wonder if they heard the spider crunch as I wadded up the paper towel. I certainly felt it. Eeeww.

Third & forth � two songs that came up on my mp3 player today towards the end of my elliptical session and during the spider episode: Molly Hatchett�s �Flirtin� With Disaster� and the Eagles �Already Gone�. Ironically (or coincidentally?) appropriate today.

Bowling last night wasn�t a complete disaster. Team took 6 of 8 points. Everybody but my brother Dave seemed to struggle. I didn�t hit last years average, but I beat the tar out of last weeks scores. Would have been really good, but those 4 splits in the last game kinda hurt. New shoes seem to have settled down some too. I wasn�t aware of any real sticking issues last night, which is good. Last week I was constantly sweating it.

Had yet another �talk� last night. Who was it that told me there would be many of these kinds of �talks� � Alison, Pam, Circe? Geeze Louise, is there no end? Upshot of the whole deal last night is that there is still some disagreement about whether or not I told Cindy I was going to this assembly in Syracuse this weekend or was �considering� going. I recall telling her I was going because I was the representative for the group I attend on Tuesday nights. Her first question to me was �who are you going to be sleeping with?� voiced in a tone that clearly implied she thought I was arranging for a female roomie. My reply was that I�d be splitting a room with some guy I�ve yet to meet. I remember the exchange very clearly; I remember telling her I was committed to go. The only question was whether I was going for 1 or 2 nights. Cindy insists I never told her for sure I was going. Hell, the kids know I�m going. Practically everybody knows I�m going � how in hell did the message not get through to Cindy? Gotta be denial.

Steered the conversation, such as it was, back to the relationship. Mentioned AGAIN, that in order for us to be able to work on what�s broke, her drinking has got to be under control. As in stopped. Somehow, I think I�m not getting across the idea that I am having a problem living with someone that drinks to excess. Not every night, not every other night, but often enough that I spend all day wondering what I�ll be coming home to. Will she have fallen down the stairs again, this time breaking her neck? (Sixth or eighth time�s a charm!!) Will she try to drive someplace and get in an accident, killing herself or worse, killing someone else? Will she try cooking something, pass out and leave the stove going, potentially burning down the house? I mentioned all these fears to her last night. I told her I have a problem with that. I also told her the kids can�t stand her drinking. I related several incidents when after she calls them, they call me and ask �Has mom been drinking? She sounded pretty bad.� People she used to regularly call won�t answer the phone after 7pm if they see our house phone number on their caller ID. People have flat out hung up on her in the past, her drunk dialing was getting so bad.

I asked her again if she could commit to AA and trying to get better. I reminded her that the last 3 times I asked her this, she never gave me a verbal response. Instead, she spent the next day or two drinking. (We always seem to do these on Fridays, except for the last two). What did I get from her last night? More denial. What did I NOT get from her? An answer.

I�m trying to not put conditions on things. I�m trying to make this about how I have a problem accepting her drinking. But keeps coming back to �if you don�t quit drinking, I�m gone. Choose � booze or me�. I don�t want it to come out like that, but it keeps heading that way.

So. This plays out several ways. I go to Syracuse this weekend. I come home.
Scenario 1 is I�m either asked to pack up and get out or possibly Cindy has packed & left.
Scenario 2 has Cindy home but somehow carrying out her wish that �God strike her dead� (Fucking melodrama � she�s too chicken to carry that one out.)
Scenario 3 has her ready to talk seriously, maybe getting past some of the denial.
Scenario 4, possibly the ugliest, is that she tries to continue with the status quo.

Saw my therapist yesterday too. How is it these discussions with Cindy seem to follow therapist visits? From what I tell the therapist, which is pretty much the same as what I say here, she seems to think we�ve both checked out, we�re just waiting for the other one to blink first. Think I mentioned that here before. Now we�ve heard it from a professional. We each seem to want to say it was the other ones fault.

I�m getting to the point I don�t care who�s fault it was, lets just decide one way or the other.

Think I�ll call Zach tonight and ask him to check in on Cindy once or twice over the weekend. Give him a heads up on the situation, ask him to give her a call and see how things are. I�ll call too, but I don�t think my calls will be answered. Just a hunch.

I gotta get my spider killing butt ready to go. Smuggled a laptop with wifi along so�s maybe I can check up on all of you over the weekend, maybe even report on the exciting events. Completely anonymous, of course.

You behave. I have to.

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