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2007-09-28, 2:40 p.m.

Day 1131

Hmph. No meme today. Have to put up with real stuff.

Been good about getting to the gym in the morning. Even though I was up till past 11 Tuesday and almost 1 last night. Haven’t been up for any fun reasons either.

Wednesday mornings class with Maria went fine. She’s not as brutal as Gary the Sadistic Bastard ™ , but if you let yourself get a little aggressive with the resistance knob, it can be close. Maria like to sneak up on you too – she does those climbs that start out on “level road” then you add a half turn of resistance every 30 seconds or so. 5 minutes into the climb I’ve got to really grunt to get the pedals around. Of course, that’s only ½ way through the climb, so it’s up and out of the saddle to grind out the next 5 minutes. Then we get a break and only have to sprint for 30 second intervals for the next 3 or so minutes before we get to the real rest pace. Lather, rinse, repeat. Twice. Your legs feel sooooo good when you’re done.

This morning I only did 30 minutes on the ‘other’ type of indoor bike. When I was done, the workout summary claimed I averaged 25mph for the 30 minutes, but I only covered 11 miles. One of them has got to be wrong. Seems I should have averaged 22mph or covered 12.5 miles. Something in the machines math seems a little tweaked. Must be that “new” math.

Awesome therapy session yesterday. Seemed like every 5 minutes there was one of those “Aha!” moments. Well, “Aha!” or “Oh, shit!” Depends on if it reflected well or poorly on me. Looking back, most were of the poor variety. Thought perhaps I didn’t identify too strongly with the ‘codependent’ tag. Turns out (according to therapist A and Ms. CL) I have a pretty strong caretaker mentality – strong indicator of that nasty codependence trait.

Thought I wasn’t enabling Cindy’s drinking. But by trying to not acknowledge her drinking episodes in the last week (3, minor, certainly not falling down drunk, but drunk enough for me to know she’d been partaking), I am enabling by letting her think she’s getting away with it.

When I ask Cindy to decide between drinking or working on marriage issues, then get no answer except for her continued drinking (not near as bad as before, but still – the only way an alcoholic gets better is by NEVER drinking again) – well, without consequences there is no bite. I can establish the boundary that I will no longer tolerate being around her when she drinks, but I need to develop a plan of what the hell to do when she does drink. Leave? To go where? For how long? Are there conditions for returning? Makes my head spin. Bottom line – define the boundary, declare the consequences, follow through.

I told A that I have a long standing tradition of avoiding conflict in interpersonal relationships. I do whatever I deem necessary to keep conflicts from arising, thinking it’s a good thing. A says it’s not avoiding conflict, it’s refusal to OWN the decision or process. That led to her relating the whole fight, flight or freeze response to a crisis where she’s saying I’m freezing up – doing what I can to avoid making, OWNING a decision. (She kept using the word OWN, like a decision was a tangible possession. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around that idea.)

A also said that I appear to be trying to just numb myself. Forgot what brought that on. Might coincide with my saying I’d be perfectly happy living alone. I guess being numb is a sword that cuts both ways though. On the one hand, if you’re numb, you don’t feel the pain. On the other hand, if you’re numb, you don’t know when you’re hurt. Which state is more useful?

We’re at Friday now. Tempus fugit. Day 1132. Bowling went ok last night. Over all, compared to the last two years, my average is dismal. On the plus side, it ought to be easier to bowl well relative to my average. Take last night for example. Worst game was 1 pin below my dismal average. Other 2 games were 21 and 25 pins higher. Pretty cool. Team wise, we split again. Won 2 games, lost 1 game and totals. Yes, that one game we lost was a doozy. 100 pin deficit. Ouch babe.

Tried getting to bed a little earlier last night. Have to be well rested for the Sadistic Bastard on Friday mornings. While last nights bed time might have been ok for one night, the accumulated deficit this week kicked my butt this morning. Made it to class, but just got pummeled by the routines. Doesn’t help that Gary likes to work the glutes and hamstrings, figuring the other instructors work the quads. Gee Gary, I appreciate the workout balance, but I never really wanted to be a candidate for “Buns of Steel”.

Got that nasty smoked transformer replaced this morning, and swapped out the faulty circuit breakers too. Now the safety folks can retest those friggin’ fault conditions and we ought to come out fine. That’s the theory anyhow.

Events and communications today are making it apparent that things are coming to a head. Cindy’s recent drinking is accelerating, each of the past 3 nights has been a little worse than the previous. Tonight? Who knows? I have an Al Anon business meeting. We need to select a new District Rep and conduct District business for the first time in 4 months. Normally, this is a monthly thing. As you might guess, we’re a little backed up. I really don’t know what to expect.

My somewhat cavalier ‘suicide by cop’ attitude is also partly to blame. I’ve been MIA too much for no real reason that I care to communicate. It’s a shitty attitude to have. Now I’ve painted myself into a corner. Someone besides me is going to get hurt. I’ll suffer some, but it’s hurting the others that bothers me most. It’s funny, in my mind, I avoid conflict in order to not hurt people. It’s really what I least want to do. It seems I’ve been on this path since the end of July. I’ve had ample opportunity to change course. Now I’ve turned it into this juggernaut that’s hell-bent on destroying everything in its path, guaranteeing that I’ll hurt someone before it’s all over. What a freakin idiot. Tonight and this weekend is going to be sheer torture. Guess I’ve earned it.

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old habits - new tricks