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2007-10-09, 4:13 p.m.

Day 1141

Hereís a brief report from the trenches while Iím at work on a Sunday trying to get something done.

First, this weeks free association list compliments of
Maybe a theme will become apparent.

1. Cluster :: Bomb
2. Announcement :: Revelation
3. Respect :: Lacking
4. Incident :: Several, or one long one
5. Accordion :: gypsy music
6. Drunk :: I bet she will be
7. If :: only
8. Dexter :: shoes
9. Wedding :: kaput
10. Gambling :: with my future

Catch a theme? The fecal debris has impacted the rotating blades. We are headed for maximum impact it seems. My cavalierness has been justly rewarded. Now I get to assess the wreckage and try to pick up the pieces. For now, we are cohabitating, but in opposite ends of the house. I extended an invitation to couples counseling. She accepted, but put restrictions on the hours sheíd go. Seems she doesnít want to miss work for this.

What was the clincher for Cindy you may wonder? (Or not, but Iíll tell you anyhow) Saturday morning, I had left my cell phone on my dresser with the ringer off. Seems Ms. CL left me a text message I hadnít yet read. (Iíve been religious about deleting everything from my phones memory) Cindy has been in maximum snoop mode this week it turns out. She noticed my phone, grabbed it, saw I had a new message from ĎPKí (Ms. CLís real inits) and read it. Then, if that werenít enough, she called her, verified that it was, in fact a womanís voice on the other end, said ďSorry, wrong numberĒ and hung up. At that point, my goos was thoroughly cooked.

I didnít realize any of this until I came back in from winterizing the veggie garden. Saw the IE browser left open (I use Firefox at home, Cindy uses IE) I checked the history listings. Saw two visits to reverse phone number lookup sites, checking on guess whoís number? Only two good things came of that Ė first it was a cell number and they donít give out the listings for free, and second, I saw no visits to the pay sites requesting the full info.

Day 1143 Shit, fan, splat

Weíre all the way up to Tuesday now. The debris is still settling. I gave Cindy the number for the counselor/therapist Iím seeing. If she wants to, she can call and get an appointment, but itís on her. This is slowly sucking in the family too.

Ya see, yesterday my van decided to start acting out too. Would not start when it was time to go home. Not even a dome light would light. Come to think of it, the door locks wouldnít unlatch either. Got the van jumped. Took a bit to get the battery juiced. When it was running, I got the cables disconnected & put them away. Thought I was all set to go and the engine quit. No re-start either. Jumped it again, got it running, but this time kept the engine revving just a wee bit (like over 1000rpm). Made it home by never allowing the engine to drop below 1000rpm, which is wicked hard on 40mph streets Iíll let you know for free. The whole time I was driving, the dashboard was putting on this bizzare light display and the battery idiot light finally came on. Lights blinking on & off, needles bouncing all over the place Ė very unsettling.

Got in the driveway, let the rpms drop and poof! Engine died. Tried hooking up my battery charger, but it only took in 2 amps, when the charger is capable of delivering 10. It was really looking like it was gonna rain (the thunder & lightning was a subtle hint) so I left the charger hooked up, closed the hood and went inside. Zach & Jill were over for dinner and it happened to be ready, so we dug into dinner.

All during dinner we were serenaded by the sounds of sirens as the fire trucks were leaving the firehouse near us. (Near like 500 feet Ė I feel VERY safe when it comes to fire protection). Fittingly, just as dinner ended we lost power. It was still early enough in the day that it was reasonably light, so it wasnít quite time for the oil lamps & candles.

Decided to replace the battery in the van and hold off on the alternator for now. Zach & I headed up to our favorite parts store and got hooked up with a new battery Ė from a female parts store associate! She seemed really knowledgable, was a fine help in testing the old battery (it sucked) and selecting a new one (it didnít suck). I was impressed. My first female parts store clerk experience. Best part? She now knows my phone number. Soon as she gets the hots for me she can call (Kidding, really. Think I need more shit like that in my life right now?)

Aaaaannnnyhow. While in transit to & from said parts store (3 miles away and they had power too damnit!!) Zach let me in on a little secret. Seems Cindy wants to have a 3 member family meeting Thursday evening while Iím at bowling. Eric will be home from school for fall break Wednesday & Kelly will be with us Wednesday night then leave for her home Thursday morning. So. Cindy wanted to tell the kids about some significant event she learned about over the weekend. Something she thought I would never tell the kids about (or so she told them).

So I told Zach. Told him about the talks Iíve had with Cindy, offering her the option of working on marriage issues if she could commit to getting her drinking under control. Then the not getting a verbal answer followed up by her getting drunk again the very next day. Three times. Well, four if you count yesterday. So Zach is up to speed. He told Eric last night, and Iím sure both their girlfriends know by now.

Zach called me this morning, nearly in tears. Seems Cindy emailed him this morning, (must have been near the time she emailed me too) and told him about my whole affair deal (what she knows of it at least), but didnít outright admit to going to AA or accepting the fact that sheís an alcoholic. Zach was pretty torn up, the impending demise of his parents marriage was obviously bothering him pretty profoundly. We talked for 20 minutes or so Ė he sees it isnít his fault and that he really has little say in the outcome. I imagine sheís done the same with Eric Ė at least as far as the affair goes. I personally havent heard from him, but I imagine weíll be talking face to face Wednesday. Cindy may not be aware of it, but both boys know she sometimes attends AA meetings. She may not have told them, but she consistently forgets that the boys & I talk pretty regularly. With the affair out of the bag and the boys knowing what else is up, I donít know what she has left to talk to them about Thursday.

Cindy and I have emailed briefly during the day today. Sad how we communicate better via the typed word than face to face, but thatís another symptom, isnít it? She wants me to make the counseling appt. Guess Iíll make it and hope she attends. Seeing as itís getting pretty late in the day, I think Iíll just make the appt when I go to see her (the therapist) tomorrow for my regular tune up. What a visit that ought to be.

Iím beat. Slept like crap the last few nights. Made it to spin class Monday, but bailed on the gym today to sleep in. Didnít work out too well. NowI have my regular meeting tonight, probably MORE talk & discussion (Jill has class late tonight, Zach will probably be over to commiserate for a bit and have dinner). Iíd like to be in bed & passed out before 10so I ghave a chance at 7 hours sleep before Wednesdayís morning spin. I need the exercise to burn off the angst.

Irony in action. Saturday night, after the great revelation, Cindy went out and bought a 12 pack of beer. She was thinking that I might like a beer or three to calm myself down after confessing my transgression. She was disappointed when I turned down her invitation. She initially had none, than later in the evening succumbed to the siren song of the beer. She had like 2 Ĺ beers that evening. I desperately wanted to run outside, grab the can out of her hand, point to uit and say ďThis is how we got to where we are!! Any questions?Ē

I mentioned somewhere previously that she was drunk (or at least had been drinking to the point that th ekids & I both noticed Ė them around 1:30 as she called them, me around 5:30 as I noticed she Could. Not. Shut. Up. at the diner table. Plus the sniffing for no apparent reason. Makes me wonder if Ė no, lets not go there.

Been a while since I updated, figured Iíd better at least prove Iím not physically dead. Yet. Weíll see where things lead from here. Supposedly there is another letter waiting for me at home tonight. Wonder if Cindy will be there or not? I thought perhaps she was chaperoning. Maybe not. She was worried about dinner at one point too. Iím just flat out confused.

Better go.

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