Altering Habits

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Dust Settling (Some)
2007-10-10, 11:17 a.m.

Day Whatever +1 (1144 in smokeless time)

Poor Zach took things pretty hard. A whole lot harder than he appeared to take things when I first told him Monday evening. Talk about a codependent personality Ė he seems to be trying to broker a deal between Cindy & I. He also seems to be convinced by Cindyís words & actions (more on THAT later) that sheís committed to working on reconciling things. But heís young & naÔve, likes to trust people and hasnít been burned time & time again. Or maybe Iím just old & cynical and tired of being disappointed. Itís funny what 25 years will do to your outlook on things.

So those actions. That letter Cindy left for me (Dang. Wanted to take it to my therapy session today. Wonder if I can make time to run home and get it first? Thatís going to make a 15 mile trip to go 1 mile down the road . . .) where was I? That letter. It was a re-iteration of her saying she is in this for the long haul, she wants to work on things and wants to get better. She even pulled all her cards Ė bank debit card, master card, visa, gas company, grocery store check cashing card, even a Loweís card and left them all for me. It seems she wants me to keep them and be responsible for all the grocery shopping, gassing up her car, purchasing anything & everything Ė all so she has no way of paying for any booze/wine at a liquor store or even beer at the grocery store.

I have all those cards in my pocket right now.

I donít want them.

It would appear that all sheís doing is putting the responsibility for her not drinking in my hands. If I donít buy any, she canít have any. Except for the remainder of that 12-pack she bought the other night, and whatís left of that bottle of Chardonnay I used to make a pan sauce last week (I used 1/3 of a cup. The bottle is Ĺ empty. You do the math.). If she wants cigarettes, I have to buy them? Or I have to give her the cash to get them, then trust she isnít spending it on booze like some wino.

I told her last night I didnít want that kind of arrangement. I purposely left the cards on the counter all evening, even through my meeting. She never picked them back up. I do not want the control of her every waking moment like that. I have them now, mostly to show to Annette (the shrink) as an example. Example of what, I donít know. Cindyís level of desperation? Her degree of insanity? Theyíll be back on the kitchen counter tonight.

AAís first step is recognition that the individual has control over nothing but themselves. Cindy may not know this, but that is Al Anonís first step as well. Her turning over all those cards to me is giving me a level of control over her that I do not want. Besides, how is she to learn any self restraint if she has no temptation?

Thatís analogous to parents who try to shelter their kids from all the evils of the world, then wonder why they go bat-shit as young adults when they have to confront them (the world at large) for the first time. By shielding them, they canít learn how to handle these things. The real world is out there, they need to learn to deal with it. Protect your kids, sure, but you gotta let them know what itís really like too.

Just remembered. I forgot my checkbook. I need to pay Annette and she doesnít take plastic. Guess I get to go home anyhow. Wonder if Cindyís little missive is still out & about?

Iíve had serious talks with Ms. CL too. She knows whatís up, and you know what? Sheís willing to wait, in hiatus mode, until we determine if the reconciliation is a go or no go situation. According to her, and I quote, ďYouíre too yummy.Ē Makes me want to question her sanity too. (Kidding. I know weíre ALL nucking futz)

Leaves me with the old (now almost original) problem - What do I want to do? If I knew the answer to that, I wouldnít have to run off to this therapy session.

Later peepuls

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old habits - new tricks