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2007-10-18, 10:36 a.m.

Day 1152

I was going to call this D-Day, but maybe it isn’t that dire. I’m now thinking it’s just shit or get off the pot day.

The only thing that irritated me a bit last night were the (hosed) dinner arrangements. The deal was I’d make that pear/shrimp salad thing and have it ready when Cindy got home around 9. I cheated a bit and got frozen, cooked shrimp so all I really had to do was thaw the shrimp, peel & chop an apple & a pear, whip up the dressing and dump it all on a big wad of lettuce. We forgo the croissant part and double or triple up on the rest. Makes a yummy salad for dinner.

So. Cindy when pulls in, I start peeling the fruit. Didn’t want to do it ahead of time to avoid that whole apple turning brown phenomenon. I’m just finishing peeling the pear as she walks into the kitchen and this conversation follows:

C - “You’re just making that now?”
Me – “Yeah. It’ll be ready in 5 minutes. Didn’t want the fruit to brown”
C – “Well, I’m not going to eat now”
Me – “Didn’t we leave it that I’d have the salad ready to go for when you got home?”
C – “Well, yeah, but I thought you’d make it earlier and have some yourself.”
Me – “no – I waited for you”
C – “Well, I was hungry so I already ate. I’m too full to eat again.”
Me – (sotto voce - What the fuck?)

So I had a ham sandwich and a hunk of blueberry pie. Screw the salad. Threw everything in a bag and tossed it in the fridge. I really, really appreciated the phone call (that never happened) informing me of the change in plans.

It’s amazing how civil and polite Cindy was to me the rest of the night. I think she knew I was a little steamed. Ideally, in a mature, grown up fashion, I should have told her how angry I was that she changed her plans with out informing me. I could have had dinner 3 hours earlier had I known. Instead, I settle for a piece of crap sandwich (by my own choice – martyrdom at any price) and tried to not let my pissed offedness show.

So that little bit of inconsiderateness is kinda top loaded in my mind right now. Need to get that out of there and form a cohesive plan for this upcoming dual counseling session. That’s in 40 minutes. And I need to stop and gas up the van. S’pose I can think & pump gas at the same time. But I need to figure out, and fast, just what it is I want out of today’s session and any future sessions.

Cindy has claimed several times that she wants to work to reconcile things. Well, I do too, but I want to set some boundaries. Drinking is one. I can see a slip or two, but if she gets off on a bender or an extended binge – hasta la vista. Holding on to past resentments is a tough one, because I’ve done plenty to add to that recently – but stuff from 3, 5 or 10 years ago? Get the fuck over it already. Additionally, I can understand her being supremely pissed about my external relationship, but if she tries to wield that like some sort of weapon repeatedly? Arriva derci. She also needs to understand that I didn’t undertake this relationship lightly and there must, of course, be a reason I was even tempted. Why in hell would I even be looking if things at home were all hunky dory? I think a lot of spouses are in denial about that. True, some folks are just horn dogs and can’t keep their pants on, but a lot of folks are just reacting out of frustration. I out myself in that latter group.

Does that justify my actions? Ehhhh, yes and no. True enough marriage vows were broken. (A vow? Multiple vows?) But. (always a but) I can also argue that vows were broken by Cindy as well. Love, honor & cherish. Maybe the love was buried in there someplace, but honor & cherish? If those are synonyms for feeling abandoned, rejected and dissatisfied maybe no vows were ‘bent’. But I don’t recall feeling cherished over the last 4 or 5 years.

‘Nuff for now. Gotta run, go do that session. I have too much shit flowing in my head right now. Need to simplify.

Maybe I'llpost tonight about how things went. Certainly an update will be up by Friday noon.

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old habits - new tricks