This is So Much Fun
2007-08-02, 3:52 p.m.

Day 1075

NOT. You couldn�t cut the tension with a chain saw. Here�s an example of our latest exchange. I was headed out for the day, also taking Eric to work. It�s 5:30am. Cindy has been on vacation all week. As Eric and I were getting ready to head out Cindy came down and started a pot of coffee.

She followed us out to the garage, I thought so she could have a smoke. In the garage, I attempted some light, casual conversation.

Me: Wow. You�re up early considering it�s a vacation day.
Cindy: So? What do you have to comment on that for? (Picture sharp, terse words)

Cindy heads down the driveway to get the paper.

Me: �The paper is already inside. Is that a safe comment to make?�
Cindy: . . . . . (picture a smoldering glare, laser beams coming out her eyes . . .)

At least she turned around and went back to her smoking. I think she lit her cigarette with those laser beams.

I need to be careful. I feel like asking her what her intentions are with AA and beyond. I feel like asking her if she feels any motivation for working on what ever broke in our relationship. I feel like asking her tonight. Depending on the answer, I�d cut her loose to go to her family reunion with the kids and her dad herself. At least they could all fit in the van.

It would leave me a weekend free to ride, free to hang out at the Y all day, free to think, free of stressors. So why do I avoid confrontation like the plague? A ton of good could come of it. It could be liberating. It could send Cindy into a real depressive spiral. Would I have to care about that? Screw whether or not I had to � I probably would. So am I avoiding the confrontation because I fear what Cindy would do to herself? Is that arrogance or misplaced ego, thinking our splitting up would devastate her?

Makes me think of what a project manager used to tell us after our scheduling meetings (where we were always on the verge of slipping a day) � He�d say �Do what ever you need to do to get the project done on time & on budget. Apologize for what ever transgressions made later.� Not exactly full & upfront disclosure there.

Took a break from this (lunch was over), went and did some actual work stuff, then got whacked by this thought: If Cindy told her version of our story to a therapist, would she come out to be as much of a villain as she is in my version? Would I be the villain? I mean, from the therapists point of view? Does the therapist even think there IS a villain, or just two people that need to get their shit together? More arrogance at work?

What kind of messed up head comes up with that kind of thought? Probably ought to ask the therapist. Get her opinion. Probably ought to ask her a lot of this stuff. Too bad the next appointment isn�t till nest week.

Speaking of therapist, and I will, she needs a name. Ann. It isn�t her real name, but she looks like one to me. It�ll do.

Back to work now. Until I think of some more ways to question my wants & motives.

Ok. Break from work. End of the day kinda crap. Headed for the woods north of Albany for the weekend. Unless I start an ugly discussion tonight. Haven�t made up my mind yet. Seems like doing trapeze work without a net.

Anyhow. I�m outta here till Tuesday. Hope you all have enjoyable, productive weekends.

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