Altering Habits

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Wow! Been that long?
2008-08-25, 5:07 p.m.

Day 1464

Holy crap! It’s been what, 5 days since I last posted any drivel here? Terrible, terrible, terrible. Not like there’s been nothing going on – as a matter of fact, I’ve been busier than a one legged man in an . . . ahhhhh – you all know the line.

Anyhow. In the interim I managed to completely miss a couple of anniversaries. The first one was at 7pm Friday, August 22nd. That marked precisely 4 years since my last cigarette. I have to admit, I feel so much better being free of that nasty habit. Also, in figuring average prices, there’s almost $7500 not spent over the last 4 years.

The other anniversary is sorta related to the not smoking one. Oops, I just looked. Haven’t missed that one yet, but I will mention that Aug. 30 will be the 4th anniversary of this here journal. Good lord. 4 years of whining about not smoking, dieting, working out, biking and certain spousal drinking habits. That’s a whole lotta shit.

Made tons f progress on the pond. Between Zach & Jill helping Saturday and just slogging through it myself Sunday, we have maybe ¾ of the pond perimeter lined with stone. There’s still the stream & waterfalls to build up, but that may wait till later, we’ll see. If the permitting process for the deck (more like a back porch) goes smoothly, I may be switching projects for a bit.

I do have more pictures, just haven’t reformatted them for use here yet. That’ll probably happen tonight while my body recuperates. I also want to stop at the gates of hell and pick up 6 or 8 cheap “feeder” goldfish. I’m trying to get the proper bacteria established in the new pond, but they need some nitrogen to munch on. Fish pee is a great source of that. But there’s no point in risking the older, bigger, prettier fish just to grow some bacteria. The water may not be 100% kosher for the fancier guys yet, so there would be some danger of them not surviving the move. Instead, we’ll ‘rescue’ some of the goldfish bowl style fish from wally world and use them as canaries. If they make it a week, we’ll start moving the big boys over. Can’t wait to see how big they’ll get in their new home. Oh – and for the record? This pond is a lovely wading pool. I spent plenty of time in it this weekend. Ought to be a great place to cool off next summer – fish, plants & all.

Q – to answer your question about just pouring everything out. I’ve done that. A couple times. Know what happens? More shows up. It’s hidden in a different spot and gets consumed in even tighter secrecy than before. This addiction, the compulsion to just drink & drink & drink is strong. The addict (sounds drastic, but that’s exactly what they are) will go to great lengths to maintain a supply of their drug of choice.

It took me a long time to cut back on how often I go looking for her stash. Now I no longer actively search it out, but I do occasionally run into some. It’s really a waste of time & energy trying to find it. It comes down to Cindy finally accepting that ANY drinking on her part is tempting fate. She still believes she can handle (control) her drinking. I consistently tell her that any drinking on her part makes me fear that she’s headed right back to where she was (we were) last year. She was drunk 6 nights a week and I was out getting the attention (and other stuff) I wasn’t getting at home. Damn near wrecked us. Until then, I don’t think she was willing to admit she had a problem. After that big scare and almost losing something valuable to her, she’s at least regularly attending AA. Don’t know what it’s going to take to get her actually start working the program. She might need another scare – but I can’t provide it by going out and fucking around some more. I didn’t really like me when I did that.

So. Pouring out the booze? Doesn’t actually work in the long run. Most all of the Al Anon veterans have shared that they went through a “pour it all out” phase too – almost always to no avail.

It’s not unlike quitting smoking. I’d quit maybe 10 or 12 times – but always because Cindy said “we’re quitting”. I’d usually cave after a day or two and we’d both be back at it. Then, one day 4 years ago something clicked and I wanted to quit for me. That made all the difference. I took the classes, learned the tools, lined up the support and Yahtzee!! It worked out fantastically. I’m just waiting for Cindy to get there with her drinking.

In the mean time, I do still enjoy a nice cold beer at the end of the day occasionally. Like this weekend, after wrestling all those freakin’ rocks. I’d pour myself a beer to take upstairs with me to sip while I changed clothes/showered/wound down for the day. But since I only drink like 2 beers a week, I fell justified in getting snobby about what I’ll drink.

That’s also what really pisses me off when Cindy runs out of her hooch and swipes some of my beers. I pitched a fit a couple of weeks ago about “where the hell has all my feckin beer gone!?!” at about 120 decibels to no one in particular. When I got out of the shower 15 minutes later? Fresh 6 pack of Saranac’s Adirondack Trail mix was in the garage fridge. Wonder how that got there?

Time to peddle home. Better post this and get to work on those pond pics.

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