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Dazed & Confused
2007-07-19, 4:36 p.m.

Day 1061

To the folks that commented both publicly & privately: Thanks for not validating my rambling in the previous whine. Starting to think I was just looking for someone to say ďOh you poor, poor boy!! Why donít you just go and screw around all you like, youíve earned it!Ē

Obviously have a bit of a conflict going on internally. Been doing the Al Anon thing seriously for a little over a year. The one bit of advice they DO give is to not make any major relationship decisions for at least the first 6 months. They also say choosing to not decide is really a decision. So do I play this game in 6 month increments? Plod along and flip a coin every May & December? ďMerry Christmas, Iím outta here! or Happy Mothers day, Iíve had enough, bye!Ē When will that happen? (I know theyíre not 6 months apart, work with me a little) Seriously though, maybe 6 month evaluations arenít bad. Make the time to take a serious look at things. Unfortunately, I can only evaluate how I feel, or whether or not I feel Iíve made any progress. I suppose thatís where the sponsor comes in too. Well, him and that self inventory business. Hmmm. I can name the tools, why donít I pick them up & use them?

Yeah, so Iím conflicted. Truthfully? I admitted that I was about ready to call my doctor and get a referral to a therapist. Maybe get some help sorting shit out. Shouldnít come as a surprise Iím probably borderline depressed. Geeze, ya think? Thankfully, I think it can be sorted out with a little (maybe a lot?) of honest talk, and some commitment to making a few life style changes. I kinda got the hang of doing life style change, (smoking, diet, exercise regimen), so a few more tweaks ought to be manageable. Maybe Ms. CL will provide this, maybe I DO need a real live therapist to augment the Al Anon work. Suppose it canít hurt to ask and take one for a test drive. Hey, we have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) here. Theyíre supposed to be good for that kind of stuff. Might have to check it out. Need to find that card . . .

So, Eric got hold of me yesterday about getting a ride to work at 5:30 AM. For real. Like I expected, he turned in before 10pm. last night. I got up at my normal time (5ish) got ready for the day and headed downstairs. Sure enough, Eric followed, all on his own. I think at the ripe old age of 21 heís all growed up. Iím SO proud. (Really. Heís a good kid. I am proud of him)

Got him dropped off at work right at 5:30. He was amazed at all the parking spaces available 2 hours before his normal start time. Duh. Heís in for a long day Ė but heís packing two cans of one of those high caffeine/high sugar ďenergyĒ drinks. I tried to convince him that heíd be fine in 30 minutes or so, but heís worried that heíll crash by noon. I think heíd only crash after the first can of that energy crap wore off. If he left his body alone it would cope just fine.

Finally got in a semi respectable run this morning. Didnít do much of anything different. Even ran on the same treadmill Iíd used previously when I was moaning about how running sucked. Canít say what changed. Same speed (7:30 miles Ė not bad for an old fart), same incline (0.5), same machine. Minor differences are that I got less sleep, and stretched less than normal before hand Ė but neither of those is conducive to good running. Basically? Iím clueless. Apparently about more than just running too. Itís good to be consistent though.

Hmmm. Work interfered just then. How inconsiderate. Is lack of ability to concentrate a sign that something is up? Or down maybe? Iím having difficulty generating any interest to focus on work. This sucks mightily, because the work I do is usually stuff I enjoy. Problem solving, blowing things up, getting things to work right, swearing a little and trying again. Iím usually much more stubborn about getting through things, but lately Iím just so, so, meh. I just canít generate any give-a-shit.

Zach has decided when to officially pop ďThe QuestionĒ. Thanksgiving Day will be it. The answer, in my opinion, is a foregone conclusion, but he wants the conditions surrounding the official asking to be a surprise. I have a feeling heís steering Jill into believing Christmas (or later) might be a good time to expect things, so getting actual plans in motion for a Thanksgiving uncorking might be enough of a surprise. Guess the next question is when will the Big Day be? 2008? 2009? I only asked them to hold off on kids till 2009 or later to allow me the dignity of hitting 50 before they make me a gramps. Kids arenít in their current 5-year plan, so it was an easy agreement for them to make.

Man, I need a good bike ride this weekend. Hope some decent, stable weather moves in. Itís been alternating between very sunny and very stormy in about 18 hour intervals for the last several days. Makes it difficult to plan outdoor things, like decent bike rides. Plus, I feel like Iím stealing the time away if I plan to go any later than 10am on a weekend. I really like the rides that take 3 Ė 4 hours. Gets you far enough away from the lake to get into the bigger hills, and really allows time for serious navel gazing while pumping away on the pedals. I need to get away from those pangs of guilt. Or get my ass out of bed and get moving earlier.

Gah, I really need to make an effort at work.

Time passes. Itís later now. Know what I made an effort at? That EAP stuff. Accessible on line through the corporate employee website. If big brother was watching (he was), he knows whatís up now. Plus, Iím sure somewhere up the food chain some supervisor is going to get an email letting them know Iím making use of some services.

So. How the heck does one pick a psychotherapist or MSW? I searched through the on-line referral list and picked the one closest to my work location. Got within a mile I think. Typical for me, the closest ďservice providerĒ is a female. Weíll see how it goes. I get up to 3 visits on the company plan, then itís up to my health insurance provider to step up (right)

I was asked to provide limited information as to just what my concerns were about. That at least allowed the on line locator pare down the options to specialists in my field of needs.

Oh, man. Itís almost 5 and I need to call to nail down an appointment. Later peoples.

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old habits - new tricks