Subsistence
2004-09-30, 11:45 a.m.

Day 38 Subsistence

What do I do on day #1 of the new no editing plan? Not write. Not that there was much to say really - the title kinda neatly sums it up.

Have been getting these craves for a smoke the past couple of days. Pretty strong and more frequently than they've shown up in the past. Still haven't given in - it's that whole having to bum a cigarette thing I can't (don't want) to get past. Plus the buzz - wow! It would probably get me all queasy & head spinny, plus I don't think I could handle the smoke even. I doubt very much that it would feel as 'smooth' as it used to. I'm thinking it would rip me up and get me to coughing immediately.

At least that's what I keep telling myself. If I say it enough, it WILL be true. Plus, geeze, 5 1/2 weeks in. Don't blow it now. Have to go see some buds over at quitnet.com and find out if this is a common time for getting craves. Some folks there have been at this quitting thing for years and they're pretty good at it. Plenty of experience & advice. Everyone is always willing to help, mostly because they know they'll get the same treatment if they ever need it. So, I'll go talk to them today and get myself calmed down.

The wiff has been very quiet & reserved lately. There's a VERY uneasy unspoken truce in place. She won't speak directly to me, but will answer a direct question. Quite often the response is mumbled, muffled, spoken from another room or just not directed at my head (she's not exactly facing me) so I must ask her to repeat her response. Such agony this causes. You'd think I asked her to scoop out her own eyes with a melon baller.

One accidental note of possible progress (enough qualifiers there?): she went out & bought a fresh bottle Wed. evening. Actually limited herself to 2 of those 22 oz drinks. And - she actually cooked and ate dinner. Didn't eat till 7:30 - but at least it was an actual dinner - not "what ever you want". Not that I mind cooking, but it seems that whenever I start something she had something else in mind. Of course, I never got the ESP message she sent, so I'm operating without a clue.

Doctors visit in 2 weeks. Need to call the opffice and see if they want some fasting bloodwork done up ahead of time. Actually, I should tell them what I want them to do, then have them get the blood draw orders sent down to the lab. Considering: last I knew my cholesterol was ~240 after a month on lipitor.(it was 286 prior to that). I never continued the lipitor. I also have both type I and type II diabetes on my dad's side and type I for sure on my mom's side. Need to keep that under control and very visible on the radar screen.

Plus - my hands are all tingly. Know how your arm or leg feels when it's gone to "sleep"? My hands are like that, just not as intense, but almost all the time. Could be related to quitting smoking - poor things aren't used to having blood circulation down there. Could also be related to my BP. Checked it again the other day - 145/95. Not great. Then there's the other fun thing they do for us 40 something guys - the prostate check. That's why I have a female primary physician - smaller fingers. Oohh - do me baby!! Funny how easy it is to maintain a non-sexual, clinical frame of mind when she's ready to stick her finger up my butt.

With that thought, I must sign off. Next update after bowling Thursday. See how the wiff does with dinner & drinks this time.

38 days down. 1 doctor to check up on.

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