Altering Habits

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2007-10-01, 5:52 p.m.

Day 1135

Damn okc – here ya go!!

I must like driving. I was supposed to stop at a testing facility right across the street from the Y to do a little work on a machine. It was for something simple like bolt in a transformer that’s already wired & ready to go.

Got to my office this morning and saw the EXTRA bolt/washer set I had picked up Friday. It’s identical to the one still on my dresser, waiting to be installed in a machine that is currently 6 miles away. Should I add that we are hot to trot to get this machine back under test?

While I go do what I forgot, you get to read this weeks free association list compliments of

Crook :: ed
Career :: Job
Freckles :: dot to dot
Scramble :: mess
Mistake :: oops
Telephone :: Call
Thank you :: polite
Obstruction :: Bulldozer
24/7 :: constant
SciFi :: Channel

Ok, back from doing that horribly difficult task. Now to that chicken reference.

Cindy sent me an email last Friday basically accusing me of having an affair. Or doing something on the side.She asked me to just come out and tell her what’s going on – she’d rather know than make assumptions. I spent the entire weekend dreading talking to her. Seems like she spent it dreading talking to me too.

At the very least, I got the serpentine belt changed on her car so she could get it inspected. Seems the belt is an inspection item now – as are windshield wipers. Who knew? While I was putzing with the belt, she was toodling around in my van, getting her dad, taking him to get blood work done, taking him to breakfast, running some of her morning errands.

Just as she was getting back, Zach came over and we got ready to take off shooting. Got his license, doe permits, and gobs of ammo. Sabot slugs have increased radically in price since I last bought any. $11 for a box of 5. Reeeeediculuos. Anyhow. Got Zach’s gun sighted in reasonably well. He needs to go fine tune it a bit. His shoulder was starting to get a little tender and he was jerking when he pulled the trigger – in anticipation of the recoil. Made the last series of shots suspect. At $2+ per shot, you don’t want to waste any either. We packed it in for the day, went and looked over our old stands, and headed home.

Had to spend a couple hours at home, pretending to like it while The Bob and Zach were there. Soon enough, Cindy’s appointment time for her car inspection came and she took off for that. You could feel the tension level in the house drop. Zach & The Bob don’t know what’s in the undercurrents, but they notice the tension.

Dinner at Zach & Jills that night. Grabbed an apple pie out of the freezer and baked it, took along some winter squash too (last years crop – thanks to those bastard woodchucks we have to buy some this year damnit). Had a nice evening at the kids – letting them be in charge of cooking. It was the first Bob had seen their apartment. He was favorably impressed. Honestly, it IS a pretty nice place. Hope they save me room on a couch.

Evening kinda wound down and we had to drop The Bob off back at his place on the other side of the city. Once we dropped him off, I was back in fear of starting our next “talk” again. But – nothing. We’re both afraid to bring it up I think.

Sunday? More of the same. Cindy busied herself with house cleaning chores. I paid bills, then finished off Zach’s old room – touched up nail holes, put outlet covers back up, touched up the last bits of molding. All that’s left now is hanging paintings. Curtains, bed, furniture – all done. Mowed the lawn, cleaned the garage. Domestic bliss!!

Neither Cindy nor I dared approach “the subject”. It’s gotta happen soon. We both spent all of Sunday studiously avoiding it.

Last week Annette (therapist) asked if Cindy would consider couples counselling. Suppose I ought to at least ask her. Thing is, I’m not sure I want to have a go at fixing things. To me, I appear to be purposely sabotaging things. I’m starting to think I’ve been gone for so long it’s to late to stage a comeback. If it were just a question of putting up with the drinking, I could maybe last another couple of years. But there’s this complication. Now I know what a relationship could be like. With someone that doesn’t drink. Who doesn’t need 3 drinks to lose her inhibitions. That doesn’t watch Lifetime channel. Likes the same movies & music I do. Has an independent streak. Can make up her own mind, not “what ever you want” – then bitch that we always do what I want to do.

But there is so much that is still unknown. I have 26+ years of experience with Cindy and I can pick her apart like a sharpshooter. I have 2+ months of experience with the other, and honestly, most of that has been spent naked & in bed. Talking a lot, sure, but who ever says what’s REALLY on their mind when their, well, you get the idea. (But it goes both ways you need to know)

So now I find myself painted into the tightest, most horrible corner of all, and I can’t make a decision that’s free from influences. On the one hand, Cindy’s drinking stinks. She still does, not as much, but she’s trying to hide it. Like I said though, I could maybe endure it for another few years. Then if it doesn’t get better, leave after giving it a fair ride. Then our relationship is weak. We could work on it. I’m afraid some things will never change (Re: inhibitions, independence) – and I know how good it can be. But there are things on the new side I just don’t know – and how can you know what you don’t know about? Is this all a ruse? Am I being baited into a trap? Is it really going to be worth all I could stand to lose?

I say I’m trying to avoid conflict – trying to not hurt people. Annette says I’m avoiding taking ownership of the decision and I’m trying to make myself numb. Trying to force the decision off to other people (Cindy).

Work finished an hour ago. I’m sitting here whining about all this because I don’t want to go home. Can you blame me? Look at the mess I created. Now I gotta go deal with it. Friggin idgit.

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old habits - new tricks